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Hello! Thank you for inviting me here today, civic group and/or first responders and/or elementary school. It’s a pleasure to be here, wherever I am! Also, it’s a pleasure to be wherever I am, because I’m a pleasant human who enjoys the company of other humans in places. The Senate chamber, a donut shop, Youngstown … you name it, I’ve pleasured myself there!
And how about a big hand for your chairman or lieutenant or principal for that introduction? This person seems like a good person who leads your organization well, and I thank him or her for allowing me to speak to you today.
Okay, great! We’re having fun! Politics should be more fun! There should be more jokes because jokes are fun! I personally love to have jokes, and so does Donald Trump!
There have been a lot of jokes in this campaign, and I think it’s important for me to say that so the media scolds will maybe stop taking everything Donald Trump says so seriously. Even if what he says about Kamala Harris is sexist or misogynistic or deeply, deeply racist. If Kamala Harris can’t laugh at herself along with everyone else who is laughing at her, then she should probably look for a job more appropriate for a woman, like crossing guard or incubator.
Ha ha. Joke! See? We can have fun!
Donald Trump and I are having a lot of fun in this campaign. For instance, just yesterday President Trump had this idea, and I thought it was very funny of him to say this, to have the government order insurance companies to pay for IVF treatments so that women who want to have babies can have babies. Or even women who don’t want to have babies can have babies because we tell them they have to have babies.
Now, some people were upset by this idea. They said, hey! Embryos can get destroyed during IVF, and embryos are living babies according to this criteria that we have made up, so that’s bad.
So I want them to know that of course President Trump was actually mocking the media for mocking Republicans’ love of families. Apparently the media can’t take a joke.
In fact, in President Trump’s administration, IVF will be banned and all fertility doctors will serve life sentences on a prison barge floating in the equatorial Pacific. Wouldn’t that make a great sitcom? I bet the Daily Wire would love to produce it.
Or like the other day, when President Trump posted a meme online saying that Kamala Harris only got to where she is by giving lots and lots and lots of … well, I don’t want to say because there are children here in this elementary school, if I am in fact at an elementary school. But it was something very crude, and therefore crudely funny. Which is the same thing as being funny, if you think about it.
Or take President Trump noting that Kamala Harris has suddenly decided that she is Black. Now, of course the president knows that Kamala has identified as Black for her whole life. So he thought, wouldn’t it be funny to pretend that she hadn’t? Because everyone knows she has, even though her father is Jamaican and therefore not Black Black. It’s that dichotomy that makes the joke funny!
In fact, Donald Trump has called Kamala lots of things that are funny! He said she’s a “wack job,” and “dumb as a rock,” and “real garbage.” But you see, she is not literally any of those things. The only way to be “dumb as a rock” would be if you were an inanimate object, and Kamala is not an inanimate object. Therefore, she can’t be as dumb as one.
It’s like no one knows the rules of comedy anymore.
Hey, did you hear that Donald Trump has a new book coming out next week? You should all pre-order a copy. I pre-ordered several thousand! The whole thing is hilarious, but there’s one particular moment when Donald very playfully tells Mark Zuckerberg that he’s going to send him to prison for the rest of his life for making Trump lose the 2020 election.
Which he didn’t lose, by the way, it was stolen! But the woke scolds get very mad if you say that. So Donald decided to be very humorous about it. I for one think it was a brilliant move.
I hear your booing, and I want you to know that I know that you are booing me ironically, because this is all actually funny. Donald Trump and I are not racists. But we can say racist stuff and then laugh at ourselves saying it, to have fun.
Geez. People take this stuff way too seriously.
You may have heard that I got yelled at for posting a meme this week, too. It was a tweet in which I claimed to have an advance video clip of Kamala’s Thursday night interview on CNN. Only the clip I posted was of that ditzy blond girl having a brain cramp on stage at a beauty pageant 20 years ago. Remember “such as the Iraq”? We’ve all had a good laugh about it.
Then John Berman on CNN told me that actually, that girl was so deeply hurt by people making fun of her publicly that she contemplated suicide. That’s sad! I’m glad she’s doing better, but what am I supposed to do, apologize for posting things that are funny even if they cause suicidal ideation in the subject?
No, no, we have to laugh at ourselves. Like this: Ha. Ha.
So let me conclude by saying that all of you need to lighten up! This is a campaign of humor, and laughter, and joy! Not the other campaign. Do you see Kamala Harris and Tim Walz gently poking fun at us? Has Tim Walz made a couch reference since his introductory rally? No, he hasn’t. Because he has no joy. Donald Trump and I are the joyful ones.
And stop saying we’re weird. It’s very hurtful. Would weird people be capable of making such funny jokes? Nobody has more fun than Donald Trump. Even in a cemetery, he does his best to lighten the mood!
In conclusion, everybody else should shut up and grow a sense of humor. Thank you.
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