Steve Bannon Says Jim Jordan Is Mail-Order Bride, Is That True?

Steve Bannon, serious person, does not like what happened with Jim Jordan this morning!

BANNON: With half of those weasels and snakes and pencil necks up there and gutless cowards, what they’re trying to do, brother Jordan …

“Brother Jordan” LMAO that’s how pedophile conservative Christian pastors talk.

BANNON: … in making you the speaker designee and waiting until January, is to audition you. It’s like a mail-order bride back in, I don’t know, back in the 1870s or something, out West.

They ordered them in the mail just to make them audition until January?

BANNON: And they’re gonna put McHenry as the front man, the professorial bow-tied front man, a shorter version of George Will in his sartorial splendor. So professorial, such a genius, he gave you the debt deal. He was the lead negotiator.

OK.

What we imagine Bannon is alluding to is that under the current working plan (WHICH HAS JUST NOW BECOME DEAD, BREAKING NEWS), if it had passed, Patrick McHenry would be the substitute teacher speaker of the House until January 3, but Jordan would remain the “speaker designee,” because he’s the guy running for speaker. So in theory he could get a constipation at any point and call a vote to make him speaker, and then lose again.

(BUT THAT PLAN IS DEAD NOW, AS OF FIVE MINUTES AGO.)

So Bannon is saying that what this (DEAD) plan really means is the House Republicans ordered Jim Jordan out of a catalog and had him shipped on the Pony Express to them at a saloon in the Wild West and now that he’s arrived they’re going to settle up with the bartender and Yosemite Sam their guns in the air few times before going through the swinging saloon doors with Jim Jordan over their shoulder to go make Frontier Coitus.

That is what he is saying, yes?

The only thing we are certain of is that Steve Bannon is mad.

And on that count he is in agreement with all the biggest creepers, groomers and “Kick Me” signs in the House Republican caucus and in the punditry.

When they went back for their conference meeting, it quickly reportedly just turned into huge fights everywhere. Kevin McCarthy screamed at Matt Gaetz when he tried to get up and talk, and Rep. Mike Bost apparently “almost lung[ed] at him.”

Chip Roy of Texas is tweeting his pitiful bitchings about the idea of Republicans having to work with Democrats to empower McHenry with the hashtag #ShallChuseTheirSpeaker, which we guess thinks makes him look clever and well-read, using an old-timey spelling like that.

Bloomberg reporter Erik Wasson reports that Rep. Troy Nehls says the only solution now is to have 100 days of Speaker Donald Trump.

Lauren Boebert is bellyaching, saying she ran for office because she “was sick and tired of politicians coming up here and cutting deals and releasing ‘holier than thou’ statements about why we just had to accept it.” We figured she ran for the Beetlejuice tickets and two-for-one hot wing specials.

The Biden campaign tweeted out Marjorie Taylor Greene saying that the Republican conference is broken. (She tried to blame it on Democrats, but she can go fuck herself.)

And here’s a funny CNN report about how far-right crazypants Republicans hate the plan — IT’S DEAD NOW, DID YOU HEAR — featuring whinyass Jim Banks of Indiana saying it’s the “biggest F-U to Republican voters I’ve ever seen, it’s a big mistake.” He said over half of House Republicans are against it. (AND NOW THEY KILT IT.)

And now, breaking news, MSNBC is reporting that the plan is dead. (AS WE SAID.)

Speaking to MSNBC and gloating about that, Matt Gaetz said, “Speaker Light is a bad idea, just like Bud Light!” (Hand to God, we couldn’t make up more pathetic quotes for these people if we tried.)

Every Republican in the world failed today, because that was God’s plan. (GOD’S PLANS NEVER DIE.)

OPEN THREAD.

Oh also more late breaking news but Jim Jordan is meeting with the 22 holdouts right now and Jim REALLY WANTS another vote tonight LMAO, my God.

By the way, Biden is addressing the nation from the Oval tonight at 8. (There will be livestream at the top of Wonkette’s homepage.) That’s what you should be watching.

[Media Matters / video via Acyn]

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