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James Van Der Beek was the name of a fictional teenager played by the world-famous actor Dawson Creek on a TV show (some) people who are now over 40 used to watch. In 2005, not long after the show ended in 2003, Van Der Beek was once again in the news when he became the prime suspect in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway in Aruba. The crime is still unsolved, but he is being extradited to the United States oh wait, fuck, that’s Joran van der Sloot.
We are always mixing those two up. Van Der Beek was just a TV guy, not a crime guy. And an occasional movie guy, like The Rules of Attraction, which was about American Psycho, and Varsity Blues, which was about “Friday Night Lights.”
Point is, you might remember Van Der Beek, you might not. We’re not going to do what conservatives do when Beyoncé or somebody says something they don’t like, and they pretend they’ve never heard of her.
But if you have been watching Fox News or consuming other right-wing media today, you might be under the impression that James Van Der Beek is the biggest star in the world.
And he is ANGRY! At the DNC!
OK let us guess.
James Van Der Beek got on Instagram and made some weird video bitching about how it’s somehow unfair or undemocratic that the DNC isn’t having primary debates between the real president Joe Biden and the obvious Russian stoogelunatic fake candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who isn’t fit to drink out of a dog bowl bearing his family name, whose candidacy is really only being boosted by clowns like Steve Bannon and Fox News creepers like Jesse Watters, who are literally obsessed with fucking that chicken to death.
Is that it?
Yes that’s it. Watch it if you want.
He is so angry, LOL oh my god. It is like “Portrait Of A Pathetic White Man.”
It’s all right-wing conspiracy theories about how old Dementia Joe Biden, who just rolled Kevin McCarthy’s ass in debt ceiling negotiations, is too old and dementia to be president. He doesn’t mention Robert F. Kennedy Jr. by name, but he is just VERY RAGEY ABOUT HOW THERE SHOULD BE A DEBATE! We guess he could just be a Marianne Williamson stan.
Speaking of old, let’s talk about James Van Der Beek. How is he only 46 and yet looks older than Joe Biden? He looks like shit. Aren’t you glad you were #TeamPacey now? For a reminder of how glad you are, click here and compare and contrast to that MILQUETOAST old-faced shithead just above. Or just watch right here, fuck it:
Yeah, you were #TeamPacey.
But yes, Fox News is positively cumming itself over this extremely famous actor who works so much all the time, we just see him everywhere. Hey where’s Pedro Pascal? Probably off somewhere crying because he lost another role to Dawson!
Fox News says Van Der Beek’s video has gone “viral” with “over 49,500 likes.” As of this writing, it has just over 39,500 likes, to be more precise. For comparison, some pics Phil Dunster who plays Jamie Tartt on “Ted Lasso” posted last night already have over 66,000 likes. Van Der Beek’s video has not gone “viral.”
Fox News’s article, which is little more than a transcription of the video, is 16 paragraphs long. That’s how thirsty they are for 1) attention from a real boy who is famous, and 2) there to be a Democratic primary that’s actually contested.
Then there are the tweets from important right-wing influencers, like the Malaysian incel who’s never been to America.
And this tweet from right-wing radio host Clay Travis, promoting his appearance this morning on “Fox & Friends”:
They are just all fucking the chicken.
By the way, we legit did not know what the rotting husk of the former Dawson Leery was up to, but in writing this blog post, we found a 2022 Rolling Stone article about how the Van Der Beeks moved to Austin during the pandemic and James’s wife Kimberly Van Der Beek is a bugfuck anti-vaxxer Instagram influencer who’s become part of the bugfuck Austin anti-vaxxer community.
You know, if reading that article provides helpful context for why Joey Potter’s lamest ex-boyfriend is up there looking 900 years old having anger tantrums about why the DNC won’t let anybody debate Joe Biden.
If you don’t want to read the Rolling Stone article and just want to watch that Joshua Jackson .gif over and over again, that’s fine too.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
Just got to BlueSky!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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