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If a presidential candidate falls in the forest, and no one ever gave a shit that he was pretending to run in the first place, does it make a sound?
That is a trick question, of course. When Arkansas GOP Senator Tom Cotton announces he’s not running for president in 2024, it makes the sound we all hear when we see this Nelson Muntz .gif from the Simpsons.
As Politico was first to report last night, Tom Cotton is noping out of a presidential run, after basically camping out in Iowa and New Hampshire all summer trying to convince voters he’s not the gaping void of charisma that he appears to be on first, second, third and every subsequent impression.
Cotton’s announcement prompted many male commenters to joke that they were “deciding” not to play for the NFL or NBA, while MSNBC’s Stephanie Ruhle joked that she’d “decided not to shoot for Playmate of the year in 2024.” Because like “fetch,” there was exactly zero chance that President Tom Cotton was going to happen.
Last week Data for Progress polled the Republican primary electorate and found Cotton at a whopping zero percent, slightly edging out Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin, but trailing fellow Senators Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, and Tim Scott, as well as GOP thought leaders Mike Pompeo, Nikki Haley, and Mike Pence. (To be fair, nobody but Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis has any real support to speak of.)
“This is not the right time for our family for me to commit to a six-to-seven-day-a-week campaign for the next two years,” Cotton told Fox.
“My boys are age seven and five. They’re old enough to know that dad’s gone and be sad about it but not old enough to understand the purpose and why it all matters and why the sacrifice is worth it,” Cotton explained. “I am pretty sure Republican voters can find another nominee, but I know that my sons can’t find another dad for the next two years.”
Which is just precious, in light of the reality that this gross asshole spent the entire summer faffing around Iowa and trying to convince GOP donors the he IS TOO! racist enough to survive a GOP primary. And, Tommy, we believe you! If race-baiting were an Olympic sport, you’d medal for sure. Not everyone would have the balls to call to deploy the National Guard against racial justice protestors, but you went there!
Cotton raised $8 million for a potential run, which is basically wiping-your-ass money in the post-Citizens United world — thanks Chief Justice John Roberts!
The 45-year-old senator has already announced he’ll endorse the eventual Republican nominee in 2024, but is still holding out the possibility of a run in 2028 or beyond. Maybe he’s just a really late bloomer and he’ll have developed a less repellent personality by 2048. Stranger things have been known to happen … like electing a psychopathic gameshow host as leader of the free world, then rewarding his spree of corruption and self-dealing with three Supreme Court seats.
So, don’t write off this Howdy Doody looking shitbird yet.
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