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And now let us strap on our sturdiest hip-waders to slog through the sewer that is the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)! It’s like a homecoming dance for conservatives, led by dick-schlapping Matt Schlapp, who just cannot keep his hands off of other men’s junk, allegedly.
This hootenanny from hell kicked off on Wednesday at National Harbor in Maryland, with some controversy! Pardoned Proud Boys were turned away at the door, including Enrique Tarrio and Dominic Pezzola (the first rioter to breach the Capitol after smashing a window with a stolen police shield), and Richard Barnett, the guy who carried a cattle prod into the Capitol and put his filthy feet up on Nancy Pelosi’s desk. So they threw a “don’t you know who I am!” Karen-fit, of course, and eventually got in. “Well they couldn’t take the heat! Thanks all!” Xitted Barnett, showing off the pass he eventually got, and CPAC organizers issued a groveling apologetic statement. “CPAC has been a constant supporter of this persecuted community and we support wholeheartedly President Trump’s pardons of the J6 victims.” Persecuted victims! But I thought the rioters were ANTIFA FEDS? Sad chortle.
Also Wednesday, human pile of butthair JD Vance admitted nobody is going to be getting cheaper groceries, it will “take some time” to bring down prices, because Joe Biden, somethingsomethingmumblemumble. Vance also bitched that the Europeans aren’t embracing free speech for neo-Nazis enough, which sure went over better here than it did in Munich! Then House Speaker Mike Johnson elicited some boos at the prospect of more funding for our ally, Ukraine. “There’s no appetite for that. What do you think?” BOOO! This audience is made up of the most easily led people alive, no wonder they are constantly getting grifted for shit like Steve Bannon’s fake wall, testicle tanners, anti-woke water, memecoins…
Then Thursday was when the real action was, namely Elon Musk in wraparound shades, a gold chain and a direct-from-Hot Topic edgelord outfit, hours after Grimes, mother of three of his children two mothers-of-his-children ago, was pleading with him on Xitter to respond to her about a medical crisis one of their kids was having:
“I am sorry to do this publicly but it is no longer acceptable to ignore this situation. This requires immediate attention. If you don’t walk to talk to me can you please designate or hire someone who can so that we can move forward on solving this. This is urgent, Elon.” In another post: “I’m not giving any details but he won’t respond to texts call or mails and has skipped every meeting and our child will suffer life long impairment if he doesn’t respond asap, so I need him to fucking respond and if I have to apply public pressure then I guess that’s where we are at.”
Conservative family values, everyone! But Musk had bigger priorities, which included flailing around with some kind of custom chrome chainsaw with “Long live freedom, Goddammit!” emblazoned in Spanish on it, a gift from that Argentinian President Javier Milei. Also clanking his gold chain on the mic, lying about Democrats importing illegal immigrants to vote for them, and generally blathering hallucinatory nonsense like: “when you add caring and competence where it was absent before, you can actually save billions of dollars, sometimes just in an hour.”
And, “I am become meme. I was living the meme. It’s just — I was living the dream, and I was living the meme, and that’s, pretty much what’s happening.” Oh yeah, that’s what’s happening. NOT DRUGS. NO DRUGS HAPPENING HERE! Hey, is that Freedom Rock? Well turn it up, man!
So many insights from the world’s richest man! “So, like, I mean, the sort of the left wanted to make comedy illegal, you know, you can’t make fun of anything. So this is, like, comedy suuuuuucks. It’s like, nothing’s funny. You can’t make fun of anything,” rambled the guy who said three days ago that the staff of 60 Minutes should all be thrown in prison.
The Verge has helpfully provided an entire transcript of his jabbering, and there’s really no other way to do justice to the insane episode that CPAC attendees clapped and larfed at like it was the second coming of “Ernest Saves Christmas.”
Oh, and there was Steve Bannon doing that “Roman salute” again.
Which was enough to make the president of France’s National Rally (RN) party, Jordan Bardella, cancel his appearance. You’re too far-right for a party founded by Holocaust deniers, former Nazi soldiers and Vichy regime collaborators, well, that is quite something! Said Bardella:
Yesterday, while I was not present in the room, one of the speakers out of provocation allowed himself a gesture alluding to Nazi ideology. I therefore took the immediate decision to cancel my speech that had been scheduled this afternoon.
Bardella’s statement triggered Bannon to huff that Bardella was “unworthy to lead France, he’s a boy, not a man. If he took what the mainstream media said … I did that exact same wave at Front National seven years ago when I gave a speech to them, okay? If he’s that worried about it, and wets himself like a little child, then he is unworthy, and will never lead France.”
Steve Bannon can’t even lead a gazoinked-out Elon Musk, but whatever. Here’s a link to a picture of Bannon from that event, if you were wondering, and maybe? When you watch the video, like Laura Ingraham, he moves around jussst enough for plausible deniability. It’s true he has been doing that wave for a while, though he’d usually throw in a point or wiggle his fingers a little bit so and everybody is like, huh, maybe he just happens to wave like that, who can say?
Oh, and then white supremacist pizzagate-ranter Jack Posobiec did it too. But slowly, for that deniability. So yep, sieg heiling, that is what they are doing now.
And, there’s all kinds of talk about Trump just staying on in office with a “Third Term Project for Trump 2028 and Beyond” that supports Rep. Andy Ogles’s bill to rewrite the 22nd Amendment to allow Trump to run again. Because of course that’s where all of this is headed, Caesar Trump, dictator for life! Though why even bother to run, why not just declare an “emergency” and not hold an election? Save a step.
(Hey, remember that time the FBI was investigating Andy Ogles for stealing $300k from his campaign, and money that was supposed to go for a children’s cemetery?) Anyway, there were banners portraying Trump as a Caesar, but without the creamy dressing. Ew.
It didn’t always end well for the Caesars, except maybe Sid, and you’d think people obsessed with the Romans would know that, but never mind.
Anyway, you can watch the whole disgusting spectacle live here if you want. Keep that puke bucket handy! It all goes on until Saturday.
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