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Last night, National Security Advisor and brother-in-law to Scott Stapp from Creed (really) Michael Waltz went on Fox News to plead his case, to say he’s sorry, and to say hey look, maybe Jeffrey Goldberg from the Atlantic broke into all the top Trump admin officials’ top secret “No Girls Allowed But Susie and Tulsi” warbombers Signal chat ALL BY HIMSELF. You ever think about that? Maybe HE DID IT.
“You know, Laura, I’m not a conspiracy theorist. But of all the people out there, somehow this guy who has lied about the president, who has lied to Gold Star families, lied to their attorneys, and gone to Russia hoax, gone to all kinds of lengths to lie and smear the president of the United States and he’s the one that somehow gets on somebody’s contact and then gets sucked into this group.”
Wank wank wank. He’s not a conspiracy theorist, Laura, BUTTTTTTTTTT. Maybe Jeffrey Goldberg did it!
“So they want to focus on this. It’s embarrassing, yes. We’re going to get to the bottom of it. I just talked to Elon on the way here. We’ve got the best technical minds looking at how this happened.”
THE BEST TECHNICAL MINDS IN THE WORLD! And also for some reason Elon Musk! They’re gonna get to the bottom of how those porn naked booby popups JUST APPEARED on Mike Waltz’s phone! Right after they figure out how Jeffrey Goldberg got on that group chat!
“But I can tell you, I can tell you for 100 percent I don’t know this guy. I know him by his horrible reputation and he really is the bottom scum of journalists. And I know him in the sense that he hates the president. And I don’t text him. He wasn’t on my phone and we’re gonna figure out how this happened.”
He’s gonna find the guy!
So if you look into Mike Waltz’s stupid, guilty eyes — and oh boy, does he have stupid and guilty eyes — you can see that he does legitimately understand what a giant fuckup this is. He just is holding out hope that maybe Elon or the tech whizzes can find a way for this not to be his world’s greatest fuckup.
You betcha. Good luck with that, bud.
On Newsmax last night, while he was getting sucked off by host Greg Kelly, renowned tech expert Donald Trump offered his Geek Squad theory for how all this happened:
Somebody just got on the call! And that person did it!
But it was fine, Trump said, because there was no classified information on the call, not that he knows anything about the call, he’s just been told, but it’s all fine.
Earlier in the day, Trump got on the dumbfuck train and suggested Jeffrey Goldberg had “broken in” to Mike Waltz’s Signal circle jerk. He asked his good boy Mike Waltz to “study and find out” how guys like Goldberg are able to “break into a system.”
Trump assured everyone that “we have our technical experts looking at it.”
Gonna find the guy who did this!
You know Trump is a technology expert because here’s a video of him saying maybe his son Barron is going to have a technology career because Barron possesses the ability to turn on a laptop:
Right.
This is also the man who excitedly exclaimed, “It’s all computer!” upon seeing the dashboard of a Tesla last week.
Last night on Fox News, Jesse Watters also accused Goldberg of breaking into the Signal chat, specifically that he “sneaked his way in.” Watters is, of course, the absolute archetype of that kid you knew growing up who was just an absolute fuckup, a total bully, a loser, the kid who immediately turned clownishly subservient the second his dad showed up to punish him for whatever he’d done. All these Trump MAGA men are. They all have that “I’m gonna make you pay as soon as I stop blubber-crying because my dad is gonna spank me!” look in their eyes.
So we’re fully in “the dog ate my homework and downloaded all that porn onto my computer afterward” territory, for this obvious, egregious, amateur hour fuckup, where NSA Mike Waltz convened a group on Signal to blab about bombing Yemen, and Pentagon chief Pete Hegseth — maybe drunk, maybe not, who could say — took that as a cue to reportedly spill every detail he had inside his greasy skunk head at the time about who we were bombing in Yemen and where and why and with what weapons, just the full play-by-play.
Even though the Pentagon had literally just been warned, specifically about using Signal, in an email that said that “Russian professional hacking groups are employing the ‘linked devices’ features to spy on encrypted conversations” on Signal, and said Google had found and identified Russian hacking groups “targeting Signal Messenger to spy on persons of interest.”
Maybe Secretary Shitfaced had already left for happy hour by then.
So that is where we are.
Donald Trump says it’s no problem, Mike Waltz has definitely learned his lesson, and it’s no big deal, there was no classified information on the call, and besides Jeff Goldberg probably did somethin’ sneaky. In fact, they’re all out there attacking Jeff Goldberg, sneering and smearing him for their stupid motherfucker mistakes. We all saw ugly, angry Hegseth lashing out at Goldberg when he was asked about it on the tarmac in Hawai’i:
OK buddy, pour yourself a 12-pack of beer and relax, no need to get testy.
On top of how stupid all these men are, how unprofessional, how utterly unqualified they are to protect this country’s security, they’re all absolute fucking children who can’t for one second begin to take responsibility for what they did.
Mike Waltz, the national security advisor, almost certainly did something stupid and careless, added a reporter’s name and contact info to his phone (and maybe many more!) in case he feels like leaking something — because ALL TRUMPERS LEAK LIKE A SIEVE — and then forgot who those initials were or mixed them up when he created the super secret “Club Members Only For Guys Who Have Lost Their Virginity!” chat about bombing Yemen.
Get a grip and take some responsibility, you fucking loser. You fucked up.
Yesterday, in the Worldwide Threats Hearing before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Director of National Intelligence (LOL) Tulsi Gabbard and Central Intelligence (LOL) Agency Director John Ratcliffe hemmed and hawed and denied and whimpered and swore to Jesus there was no classified information shared on their cool kids group chat. They also spent a lot of time pointing their fingers and “deferring to” Hegseth, who it sounds like shared a whole fuckton of classified information, unless these babbling dumbfucks are too stupid to understand that details about upcoming bombing campaigns are definitely 100 percent of the time totally classified, and that if adversaries are monitoring your phone and know your war plans in advance, then by definition that gives them advance instructions for how to kill American troops, you fucking halfwits.
This clip of Georgia Democratic Senator Jon Ossoff losing his shit at Ratcliffe was memorable:
Every one of these stupid motherfuckers should resign or be fired and never show their faces in public again.
And for all their lying, for all their obfuscating, for all their desperately trying to pretend that they don’t know where those Penthouse magazines under their bed came from and also they need them for a school project, Jeffrey Goldberg has all the receipts. And he’s been extremely careful up to now, extremely delicate with these sensitive matters of national security, far more than any of the mouthbreathing shitbrains in the Trump administration have.
But he told The Bulwark’s Tim Miller last night that hey, he might just have to figure out a way to release it all, every screengrab, all of it. After all, Tulsi Gabbard swore and swore and swore that no classified information was shared on that Signal thread.
Call these useless, embarrassing dumbasses’ fucking bluff.
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