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Breaking, white conservative men are extremely scared they don’t have enough sperm again.
This time they’re not tanning their nuts in Tucker’s special nut tanner. Rather, Ben Shapiro’s Daily Wire — you know, the place with the masculinity — is advertising a new vitamin supplement that will, we presume, make you strong and manly like sperm-filled bull. Like Shapiro, presumably, or like Matt Walsh, or the little short squeaky one Michael Knowles, who follows Walsh around like a puppy and seemingly used to feel quite a bit different about gay stuff, at least if his indie movie roles are any indication.
And of course, since this is the official sperm vitamin of Ben Shapiro’s Daily Wire, we imagine it covers you in sperm while keeping your wife dry as the desert.
Seriously, all these guys are just so masculine.
Media Matters has all the cummy details on the new venture. Daily Wire has just launched a new MAN company for MAN, called RESPONSIBLE MAN. It is a company of MAN PRODUCT that is NOT SCARED TO MAN.
As you can see, the one product, which is MAN VITAMIN, comes in a “counter-worthy tin,” and the vitamins come in MINT-ESSENCED CAPSULE, which sounds pretty queer to us, we are just saying.
The Daily Wire announced this new sperm vitamin with one million words about we don’t even fucking know:
Are you tired of the “woke mind virus” infecting nearly every aspect of politics and culture? It’s exhausting finding out that yet another company you buy products from has caved to the leftist mob that screams for “gender equality” while simultaneously failing to define what a man or a woman is.
More importantly, are you upset enough about it that you’re scared whatever other vitamins you’re taking are going to make you gay?
Corporations soaking up woke insanity is the reason we started Jeremy’s Razors, and it’s the reason our customers’ enthusiasm for our non-woke products convinced us to start Jeremy’s Chocolate, and we’re not stopping there.
As we all know, regular guys can no longer be seen in public eating any chocolate but Jeremy’s Chocolate.
As it is with Harry’s and Hershey’s, men’s health products also suck.
All of them.
(Media Matters notes that actually Jeremy’s Razors and Jeremy’s Chocolates “have received poor feedback from customers.”)
Do you want to buy your men’s health products from a company that partners with drag queens and supports radical organizations that push gender procedures on children? Or would you like to get the products that should be made to promote your health from Men’s Health, a company that wants to “Explore the origin, evolution, and current usage of words and phrases used to talk about queer and trans people”?
“So many people assume that Men’s Health is only for cisgender, heterosexual, masculine presenting men. I’m here to tell you, as a queer trans nonbinary human, that’s false,” a 2021 article in Men’s Health states. In other words, “Men’s Health” isn’t for men at all because what is a man anyway?
Do you want to buy your vitamins from a company that wrote an article in 2021 that we’re still having a prissy little temper tantrum about? Or do you want to buy your vitamins from a company that did not write that article?
Yeah, we didn’t think you’d be too excited about giving your money to companies like Men’s Health, companies that are afraid of manhood itself. That’s why we’re here to give you a better option.
Bless their hearts.
Let’s skip to the part where they’re insecure about their sperm counts. Are MSNBC and CNN causing your sperms to flee your body? Maybe! We were too busy laughing to read the next paragraph too carefully.
Just like the constant consumption of MSNBC and CNN lacks the truth and reality your mind requires, your modern diet is often deficient in key vitamins and minerals, leaving you weakened and diminished — unable to reach your full potential. Sadly, in recent years, men have faced an increasing health risk as studies have shown that among men worldwide, sperm concentration has fallen drastically over the past 50 years, and the drop is accelerating. While the exact cause of declining sperm counts is still debated, some scientists believe poor health caused by obesity, a bad diet, drinking, and smoking are possible factors.
Oh my fucking God.
Anyway, it’s a multi-vitamin. They don’t even have any patented Ben Shapiro Jizz-Enhancing Face Cream yet. It’s just a multi-vitamin. Millions of companies make them. But only the Daily Wire one will keep you from becoming transgender.
Just kidding, only the Daily Wire one is marketed directly to white conservative beta bootlickers who spend their entire days worrying that they’re manly enough. That’s what we meant to type.
The Emerson Multivitamin is delivered to you in an exceptional matte black aluminum tin, containing manly green vitamin capsules that are smooth, easy to take, and the best part: they are mint-essenced for a great smell and taste.
Are we supposed to believe Matt Walsh is slaying bears in the forest — you know which bears — while he’s licking these minty essences?
Wokeness is a devastating disease that can affect both the mind and the body. And the woke Left loves to celebrate when it sees men fail. With so much wokeness causing chaos and uncertainty, it’s crucial that you take charge of your mind and body.
Please, idiots, open your wallets.
Watch the hilariously stupid ad for CUMMY MAN VITAMINS, which promises that “together we can reclaim responsible masculinity.” Also, they call it a “manifesto,” not an ad. Sure, bros.
Nice vitamins, guys. Sorry about literally everything else.
OPEN THREAD.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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