Very smart, fast-thinking leaders can unintentionally shut down communication with their direct reports without even knowing that they are doing it.
To avoid this problem, we teach leaders a simple practice: Whenever people give you ideas or advice, never begin your next sentence with no, but or however. No matter what your intent is, these three words tend to shut down open communication.
As coaches, we use a fun exercise that quickly demonstrates how easy this concept is to understand and how difficult it can be to practice.
Three Powerful Words
A few years ago, I (MG) was coaching the CEO of a Fortune 100 company. His confidential 360-degree feedback indicated that, along with his many positive qualities, he had one major area for improvement. He was universally viewed as stubborn and opinionated. As I reviewed his feedback with him, he immediately said, “But, Marshall…”
I replied, “That one is free. Starting now, every time you begin a sentence with ‘no,’ ‘but’ or ‘however,’ I am going to fine you $20. You can then donate the money to your favorite charity.”
He immediately responded, “But, Marshall…”
I said, “$20.”
He continued, “No, no, no…”
I replied, “40, 60, 80.”
Within 90 minutes, he had lost $420!
After our session ended, he said, “Thank you! I had no idea. I did that 21 times with you constantly bringing it to my attention. How many times would I have done it if you had not been bringing it to my attention? Fifty? One hundred? No wonder people saw me as being stubborn. The first thing I did when people spoke to me was try to prove that they were wrong or that I knew more than they did.”
A year later, his feedback had dramatically improved. He said that one reason was that he stopped using these three words to begin a sentence.
Learning to Listen
As a leader, and especially as a CEO, learn to listen to people’s ideas and try to understand them. While you cannot promise to do everything every person suggests, you can promise to listen, think and try to see the value in what they are saying.
It is understandable why we might say “no,” “but” or “however” when we feel criticized. What is amazing is how often we begin sentences this way immediately after someone says something that we agree with.
Very smart people often say, “No, I agree with you” or even, “No, I think that is a great idea.” If you start listening to day-to-day communication, you will hear this hundreds of times.
If we agree and think it is a great idea, why do we usually begin with “no” without even hearing ourselves say it?
Know Your No
Deep down, we are so concerned that the other person may not recognize our intelligence that the word “no” really means: “No, I already knew that. I agree with it. You do not need to explain it to me.”
Unfortunately, that subtle habit can make other people feel dismissed. As a leader, and especially as a CEO, your goal is not to prove that you know more than the people you lead. Your goal is to encourage people to speak up, share ideas and contribute.
When someone offers a great idea, just say, “Great idea!” even when you already knew it.
If you have the courage, try the $20 exercise yourself. Do it both at work and at home. Who knows? You might become a better listener.
As a side benefit, along with helping leaders become more open-minded listeners, we have also raised thousands of dollars for good causes with this exercise.
