Jack Smith Has New Indictments In His Pocket, Is Also Happy To See Us!

Did the news say today wasn’t indictment day? THE NEWS WAS A LIE.

Or at least it was correct that there wouldn’t be any DC January 6 indictments out of Special Counsel Jack Smith’s investigation.

But there’s a superseding indictment in Jack Smith’s classified docs investigation, and y’all, he’s going to behead the pool boy, whose name is Carlos De Oliveira. Just kidding, but that guy is indicted. He’s the one who spilled the Mar-a-Lago swimming pool everywhere a couple months after the Mar-a-Lago raid, including on the server room where the surveillance tapes were kept!

What a Clumsy Carlos he is!

(And really he’s not JUST the pool boy. First he was the valet. Then in January ‘22 he got promoted to property manager. Then Trump was like LOL hey, you and Walt, destroy all the evidence. And now he will be beheaded!)

(Just kidding! We keep accidentally saying “beheaded” when we mean “indicted!”)

Also, there are some new obstruction of justice indictments for Donald Trump, and also his co-conspirator Walt Nauta. Actually all three are in there together in these new indictments, which involve efforts to delete security surveillance footage from Mar-a-Lago, footage which had been subpoenaed by the Justice Department.

Is that bad? Yes it’s bad.

The superseding indictment says those three men conspired to ask another man — an IT worker at Mar-a-Lago, called Trump Employee 4 — to delete Mar-a-Lago footage to keep it from being seen by the grand jury. It specifically says De Oliveira said to that guy that “the boss” wanted this server deleted. (Deleting servers? OH MY STILL-IN-THE-TANK-FOR-HILLARY STARS!)

Trump Employee 4 was like yeah buddy I don’t think I know how to delete the server, or know if I have the right to. Poolboy was like but that’s what “the boss” wants! He asked “what are we going to do?”

There’s much more to the tick-tock, which you can read in the indictment. (It’s a banger!) These people are fucking idiots. There are two individual counts for this, for Trump, Nauta and De Oliveira, under two separate laws involving “corruptly altering, destroying, mutilating, or concealing a document, record or other object.”

Then there’s a new false statements count, assigned to De Oliveira, for lying to the FBI about all the help he had personally given in moving Trump’s precious boxes.

Oh yes, and as count 32 in the superseding indictment, Jack Smith goes ahead and charges Trump with willfully concealing that classified document about attack plans for Iran, the one he was caught on tape at Bedminster shaking around in front of Mark Meadows’s biographer like it was his willy. (In the original indictment, the first 31 counts were for specific documents Trump stole and hid. Now there are 32.)

So if you’re keeping score, that’s three brand new counts for Trump, two brand new counts for Walt, and three counts for Eric’s swim teacher the fuckin’ pool boy.

By the way, the alleged pool-spilling incident actually is not in these superseding indictments. Not sure if that’ll factor in at some point, but Clumsy Carlos’s indictments are for naughty activities before the Mar-a-Lago raid, and then in January ‘23 when the FBI interviewed him at his house. The swimming pool fell down go boom in October.

Trump and his campaign and his spokespeople are bitching in response about election inteference and whatever. If you’d like to read it, consult another website.

Anyway, this has been a breaking news post, off with their heads!

Sorry, we mean INDICT with their heads!

The end.

[indictment]

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