During SOTU, Did House Speaker Mike Johnson Need To Poop? Wonkette Zapruders!

To be fair to milquetoast church deacon Mike Johnson, being the Speaker of the House when the opposition party’s president is delivering a State of the Union address is a pretty thankless job. You have to look disapproving no matter what you hear. You have to walk a delicate line where you show zero enthusiasm for anything the president says, even if it’s something generic like “The state of our union is strong” or “My tie is purple,” while at the same time not spend 90 minutes making sour faces indicating you have a TV remote shoved so far up your rectum that you can change the channel by clicking your teeth together.

Okay, that’s enough time spent being fair to Johnson. The creepy weirdo spent all of the State of the Union on Thursday night looking like there really was a TV remote wedged in his colon, or someone had spiked his jockstrap with a full bottle of Kick Ass Jalapeno Hot Sauce, and it was all he could do to not run from the House chamber while screaming, MY BALLS, AH GOD, MY BALLS FEEL LIKE THE SURFACE OF THE SUN!!!

Here is a look early in the speech that says, Oh no, I should not have eaten an entire jar of unrefrigerated mayonnaise for dinner. Ha ha, kidding, this is the face Johnson was making when the president was excoriating Republicans for lying about the 2020 election and trying to play down the January 6 riots:

Here is Mike Johnson wondering what Marjorie Taylor Greene looks like naked. No wait, this was when President Biden was calling on Congress to supply Ukraine with weaponry so that Vladimir Putin will not, you know, wipe a nation of 44 million people off the face of the Earth. For some reason, this is a very controversial opinion for Johnson’s party. He happens to be open to arming Ukraine, but he’s got a hell of a fight on his hands getting Marjorie Taylor Greene to allow him to agree:

That was also his “No, I don’t want to give young children an education” look.

Mike Johnson is rigidly anti-abortion, so it is only appropriate that he spent most of the abortion chunk of the speech, when Biden promised to restore reproductive freedom to America’s tiny, minuscule, hardly-that-important female population that refuses to accept its natural place in the kitchen, looking as if he’d be having more fun being lowered into a vat of molten lava by Satan himself.

ABOUT THAT:

After Kate Cox Flees State, Texas Supreme Court Overturns Decision That Permitted Her Abortion, Fuck You Is Why

Here is a look that says, Son, I am very, very disappointed that my phone just told me you’ve been looking at something called “tentacle porn” on your phone. We guess it beat listening to what Biden was saying about Kate Cox, the Texas woman who came close to dying because her state’s anti-abortion law prevented her from terminating a pregnancy despite the fetus having massive abnormalities:

This look screams, Son, I was only checking out this “tentacle porn” on my phone so I would know what to be mad about when I yelled at you for looking at tentacle porn on your phone. Ha ha, no, he’s still listening to Biden laugh at the GOP for pissing off half the American population with its grotesquely unpopular stance on abortion.

And here is what we imagine Mike Johnson looks like when he says, Look son, sometimes a man has needs … No, joking, he’s still listening to Biden explain how ending the right to choose is going to crush Johnson’s party at the ballot box in November.

THIS IS WHAT THAT’S ABOUT, AND IT’S GROSS:

Are/Were Mike Johnson And His Teenage Son Each Other’s No-Pornin’ Cops? Because That’s Weird.

As a non-Mike Johnson bonus, here is half of the Supreme Court at the moment Biden slammed them for the Dobbs decision. John Roberts is either dozing off or visualizing a giant hole he can climb into, Neil Gorsuch is wondering how he’s going to explain that lipstick on his collar to his wife, and Brett Kavanaugh is wondering why Biden won’t come down off the dais, hug him, and whisper in his ear that everything will be all right.

For most of the speech, Mike Johnson’s butt was glued to his chair as if someone had smeared industrial-strength epoxy on it. Here is one of the few times he rose, when he begrudgingly and belatedly joined in applauding Biden’s invocation of John Lewis, the deceased civil rights hero:

And here is Johnson applauding his pastor for putting a bounty out to the first member of his congregation who can capture a live Jew and bring it back to church for a hornectomy and baptism.

Share

No, kidding, he’s applauding civil rights hero Bettie Mae Fikes for her courageous work to help will the Voting Rights Act into existence in 1965, an ironic thing for Johnson to applaud considering how conservatives have in recent years managed to roll back huge chunks of the Voting Rights Act and increase the racial voting gap again in old Confederate states that no longer had to obey it. No wonder he looks so smug:

This one? No idea. Possibly looking at his phone and concentrating very, very hard on Thursday’s Wordle:

And the last look in Johnson’s range of facial expressions is this one that says, Damn do I boil a good ear of corn on the cob. LOL, no, that was Mike Johnson when Joe Biden talked about raising taxes on corporations. Ha ha, as if a Republican-controlled House is ever going to do that, old man!

And yet weirdly, Johnson still doesn’t suck as badly as his predecessor, Kevin McCarthy. Of course, that bar is so low an ant couldn’t limbo under it.

[YouTube]

Wonkette is fueled by coffee, spite, and your generous donations.

Care to donate?