Sorry The Rapture Didn’t Happen Yesterday! (Or Did It?)

Happy weekend!

If you were paying attention to social media at all yesterday, then you probably know that the rapture was supposed to happen yesterday and it didn’t. Probably a lot of people are disappointed that they didn’t get vacuumed up into heaven, or because those they don’t especially care for didn’t get vacuumed up into heaven.

This, I believe, is the 70 billionth rapture/apocalypse that didn’t happen. Surely, they’ll get it right someday.

In commemoration of the 70 billionth apocalypse, your present this week is a video of a Jack Chick comic that lives rent free inside my brain.

The part I think about constantly is this part where all of the bad post-Rapture people are going around beheading the good post-Rapture people who refuse to say they hate Jesus, so that those people then have a chance to get into heaven afterwards. Because “martyrdom is now the price of salvation.”

Personally, I find this to be an incredible imposition. I faint at the sight of blood, am relatively lazy and don’t actually care what people believe so long as they’re not bothering anyone, so I really, really don’t want to have to drive a guillotine-mobile around beheading people so they can get into heaven. That’s rude. If they want their heads chopped off, they can do that themselves.

Again, I don’t care what people believe so long as they are not bothering me about it, and this bothers me. It is an inconvenience. Don’t they think I have better things to do? That we all, perhaps, have better things to do?

It’s like with the Satanic cults they’re so obsessed with that don’t really exist the way they think they exist. I have zero interest in eating a baby. I wouldn’t even eat a boar taco (or something to that effect) recently because I am a recovering picky eater and it is a bridge too far for me. I also do not believe in Satan. If Christians want people to believe in Satan and eat babies, they can also do that themselves. Though they will end up in prison for doing that, because contrary to Republican opinion it is definitely illegal to kill newborn babies, whether you eat them or not.

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