Attorney General Merrick Garland has appointed a special counsel to deal with the handful of classified documents that accidentally got left at Joe Biden’s foundation and Delaware home, all of which his team immediately turned over upon discovery, because his aides were specifically searching to make sure they didn’t have any classified documents. DERP, they did. It will be Robert Hur, former US attorney in Maryland, who was nominated by Donald Trump.
So that’ll be a hard afternoon of work for Mr. Hur! We hope he had time to tell whoever he was playing golf with today that he had a thing come up but he should be free afterward. Honey, he might be home a bit late, but that’s only because he wants to go work out after “investigation.” Keep dinner warm!
We can hardly wait for the screaming when Special Counsel Jack Smith puts Trump in prison and Special Counsel Robert Hur explains why no reasonable person would consider bringing charges against Biden, since the two cases are literally nothing alike.
It. Will. Be. Endless.
You have questions. We have answers.
Where exactly was the latest batch of Biden classified docs found?
At his place in Wilmington, Delaware, locked up in a room next to the garage. Also one with classified markings in his personal library.
Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr., go to your damn room and stop the malarkey!
For real.
But we learned that high-up American government officials need to be LITTLE LESS CARELESS with classified information way back during the Hillary Clinton yoga emails investigation.
Even Democrats.
Is there video of chinless dumbfuck Peter Doocy from Fox News pretending to be outraged that Joe Biden was storing classified docs NEXT TO HIS CORVETTE?! Does Peter Doocy ask Joe Biden, a person he’s not worthy of even speaking to, “What were you thinking?!”
Yes. In the video Biden treats Doocy like the dumbfuck he is, too, explaining how his Corvette wasn’t out in the middle of the street like some kind of peasant.
But again, they found these docs because Biden’s own aides were searching for them, and they turned them over immediately the second they found them, which makes this completely different from what America’s #1 Enemy in Mar-a-Lago did, correct?
So isn’t Uncle Merrick going a bit overboard here, appointing a special counsel?
Feels that way.
Do MAGA Republicans actually care about the safety of classified documents? Do they even love America?
Y’all, Vladimir Putin could give Donald Trump a golden shower on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial while he rubs America’s nuclear secrets and the identities and assassination coordinates of all our most deeply embedded spies all over his armpits, and MAGA Republicans would insist that was what the founding fathers originally intended before the Democrats decided to make everything WOKE.
Why is Uncle Merrick doing this then?
We are guessing out of some kind of overwrought desire to avoid even the slightest appearance of politicizing the Justice Department, and in order to protect the integrity of Special Counsel Jack Smith’s investigation into Trump, which is actually real shit.
Will MAGA Republicans therefore be fair about this and respect the integrity of both investigations?
Ah well fuck it then.
Yeah fuck it.
If Trump gets a special counsel and Biden gets a special counsel, does EVERYONE get their own special counsel?
Yes! His name is Carl and he will be at your house in a little while!
He has special dietary needs, FYI.
Can you end this blog post with a video of Tucker Carlson saying “Obese M&M”?
It is the most unintentionally hilarious video in the fucking world, we can’t stop watching it.
Open thread?
Yeah fuck it.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!
And once that doesn’t exist, I’m also giving things a go at the Mastodon (@evanhurst@newsie.social) and at Post!
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