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A little while ago we were seeing news that the grand jury in Manhattan has also been looking at that OTHER porn peener payoff Donald Trump did, the one involving Playboy model Karen McDougal. “What’s up with the OTHER porn peener payoff?” is a question we’ve been asking ourselves, the Arby’s lady, and our lord and savior Jesus lately.
And weren’t we also just hearing that the grand jury was going to take a break for a month and then come back? Wasn’t the grand jury going to study abroad in France with some mysterious older gentleman named Philippe or something? Weren’t we all jealous because what’s so fuckin’ hot about Philippe anyway, huh?
Anyway, they’re indicting the motherfucker already related to the Stormy Daniels porn peener payoff. For real. Right now. Breaking news, they voted this afternoon. We’re crossing the Rubicon. We’re passing the point of no return. What is this, CHINESE SOCIALIST RUSSIAN UKRAINE?
Tell us, New York Times, tell us so fucking hard:
A Manhattan grand jury voted to indict Donald J. Trump on Thursday for his role in paying hush money to a porn star, according to five people with knowledge of the matter, a historic development that will shake up the 2024 presidential race and forever mark him as the nation’s first former president to face criminal charges.
Yes, awesome, go on?
An indictment will likely be announced in the coming days. By then, prosecutors working for the district attorney, Alvin L. Bragg, will have asked Mr. Trump to surrender and to face arraignment on charges that remain unknown for now.
Yes, cool, please perp walk him into the Hudson River, or the courthouse, or wherever.
It is unclear precisely when the grand jury vote criminally charging the former president was taken. Prosecutors walked into the office of the clerk in the Manhattan Criminal Courthouse, where the paperwork for an indictment was filed only minutes before the office closed for the day.
OK cool, that’s enough tick tock updates, you don’t care.
Donald Trump is getting indicted, and obviously this is part of His Divine Plan to get inside the criminal justice system with John F. Kennedy Jr. to expose the international pedo ring, HILLARY CLINTON, YOUR COMEUPPANCES ARE AT LAST COMEUPPING!
Anyway, we may have already started drinking.
We are sure Wonkette will spend much time tomorrow laughing and laughing at all the MAGA white fascist idiots who are crying. And we just want to take this moment to say CRY MORE MOTHERFUCKERS, CRY MORE UNTIL YOUR VOCAL CORDS GIVE OUT.
Like this thing that Editrix Rebecca captured on her New York vacation to which she did not even invite you. Trump or death? Well hmmmmm, that is not actually a tough one at all. (Comment rules still in effect, wank dot gif, whatever.)
Also this is probably the first indictment of many. The Manhattan grand jury is walking so the special counsel and the Fulton County, Georgia, DA can fly. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
“What about those times when there was only one set of footprints, Lord?”
“Oh that is just when I had to BRB because I was indicting the motherfucker.”
Saith the Lord, good night and good luck, America fuck yeah.
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