Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week’s Cocktail, The Cocoa Maria!

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. Valentine’s Day is generally a good day at the bar. I find myself pouring a lot of chocolate martinis — anything chocolate-themed is going to be a hit. So how about a chocolate blood orange margarita? Let’s make a Cocoa Maria for the holiday. Here’s the recipe:

1 ½ oz Cazadores reposado tequila1 oz chocolate orange agave syrup

1 oz blood orange juice

½ oz lime juice

½ oz Stirrings triple sec

½ oz white creme de cacao

2-3 shakes Fee’s Aztec bitters

Pour the syrup, juices, and spirits into a cocktail shaker, starting with the syrup. Shake and strain into a chilled coupe glass. Garnish with a clementine wheel.

¾ oz dark agave syrup

2 T cocoa powder

Peel of 1 blood orange

Combine all ingredients in a saucepan and simmer for 15 minutes over low heat. Let cool and strain.

Margaritas are an absolute layup when it comes time to create a “new” cocktail. Tequila, lime, and sugar balance together so well and mesh with fruit flavors so readily that it’s hard to screw up. A chocolate cocktail is a horse of a different color, however. Chocolate is inherently bitter; it wants a lot of sugar to find balance, and isn’t particularly acid friendly. We want just enough acid to identify the cocktail as a “margarita,” but not enough to make it sharp. I halved the triple sec from my standard margarita recipe and added some white creme de cacao to bring the earthiness of chocolate forward.

Likewise, the agave flavors need to be loud enough to make it clear that we are drinking a margarita … but ultimately this is a chocolate cocktail, and cocoa needs to be front and center. The recipe that I drew inspiration from, the Black Mole Margarita from Night Moves in Brooklyn, used mezcal as its base spirit. I love the smokiness of mezcal, but there’s also an iodine note in raw agave spirits — “like a wet band-aid,” as my wife puts it — that absolutely does not agree with chocolate. A mellower reposado tequila meshes with the other flavors in the glass nicely.

The original cocktail from Night Moves was a nitro draft cocktail. There’s a trend in high-end, high-volume bars to batch and bottle cocktails on draft so they can be served quickly. It’s a fascinating idea, but I have a fondness for the theatrics of shaking a cocktail by hand in front of a guest. The recipe at Liquor.com simulates nitro bubbles by adding some soda water to the margarita, which is cute but borderline sacrilege in my book. Don’t dilute a cocktail with soda water. Definitely don’t dilute a chocolate cocktail with any sort of water. I added some juice from my denuded blood orange instead, reducing the lime a touch to compensate for the acidity of the orange.

Let’s talk ingredients:

Cazadores reposado tequila: Tequila is a complicated business, with several categories and processes. Fun fact: True tequila can only be made in the Jalisco region of Mexico. Not from Mexico? Not tequila. Considering the threat of tariffs, it’s best to buy something of value. Cazadores is a great brand that isn’t too expensive. I’d use Olmec Altos in a heartbeat as well. Jose Cuervo is the devil’s armpit squeezings. Do not buy it, ever.

Chocolate orange agave syrup: This syrup will not last long in your fridge; it’s far too tasty to linger. Add it to your coffee for a real treat.

Blood orange and lime juice: Always use fresh juice. You’ll end up using roughly half a small lime and a quarter of the orange.

Stirrings triple sec: Use Cointreau if you have it, but Stirrings is an all-natural liqueur at half the price that’s still excellent. Cheaper triple sec tastes like orange soda.

White creme de cacao: This liqueur adds body, sweetness, and earthiness to a drink. It doesn’t necessarily read as “chocolate” in the glass, but it definitely gives the agave syrup a platform to stand on.

Aztec bitters: The bitters are needed to meld the ingredients in the cocktail and add a touch of spice to the drink. Use chocolate or citrus bitters if you can’t find this particular variety.

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender — donate to Wonkette at the link below!

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We aren’t linking to Amazon anymore, because fuck Bezos. Go read A Field Guide To Tequila, by Clayton J. Szczech, instead. Transforming a 60 pound vegetable into a bottle of tasty spirit is a fascinating process; the ins and outs of tequila make for a welcome read during a cold winter.

You can find me on Bluesky at @samuraigrog!

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