Welcome to Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week’s Cocktail, Coquito!

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. I’m a huge fan of eggnog in general (Alton Brown’s aged eggnog is a favorite). But I do read the comments, and I’m aware that drinking raw eggs in any context is a non-starter for some of you. Let’s talk about an egg-free alternative to eggnog. Better yet, let’s talk about a dairy-free version. Alcohol-free? Well, it is happy hour. But the option is open. Let’s make a batch of coquito. Here’s the recipe:

1 15 oz can cream of coconut

1 13.5 oz can coconut milk

1 12.5 oz can evaporated coconut milk

1 11.25 oz can sweetened condensed coconut milk

2 tsp vanilla

3 small cinnamon sticks

3 whole allspice berries

1 t fresh grated nutmeg

1-2 cups Plantation 3 Star Rum

Pour the canned ingredients and spices into a small saucepan. Bring to a simmer over medium high heat, whisking frequently. Take off the heat, cover, and let rest for 30 minutes. Strain out the spices and let cool to room temperature. Add the rum before serving to guests; alternately, use unsweetened coconut beverage as a rum replacement. Garnish with fresh grated nutmeg before service.

Coquito is clearly a Puerto Rican beverage. There are iterations all over Latin America (Cuba serves it with coconut ice cream, which sounds amazing), but Puerto Rico has embraced it passionately. National Coquito Day is on December 21, and now that you have the recipe there’s no excuse not to celebrate. The history of the drink is a bit murky; some sources have tried attributing it to the Spaniards, or even the indigenous tribes of Puerto Rico. Ultimately, I’m convinced that the version most people know dates to the 1950s, when sweetened condensed milk made its way to the island. Let’s be honest here — any recipe that involves opening four cans is probably a product of the 1950s.

More to the point, evaporated milk and sweetened condensed milk are great emulsifiers, which are crucial to making coquito into a beverage you’d want to drink. (Emulsifiers are chemicals that convince oil and water to kiss and make friends; any bottled salad dressing that doesn’t separate has some sort of emulsifier.) Coconut doesn’t have the proteins or emulsifying elements needed to make a drink by itself. Once you open the can of “cream of coconut” for this beverage you’ll immediately understand. You’ll find a big lump of coconut oil, a layer of rich coconut water, and never the two shall meet.

Proteins in dairy will do the trick when it comes time to combine coconut oil and coconut water. So will sugar. And, circling back to eggnog, so will egg yolks. Egg yolks are insanely good emulsifiers; mayonnaise is basically a lot of oil and a fairly small amount of egg. When it comes to coquito, the emulsifiers come from the sweetened condensed milk and evaporated milk. I used vegan alternatives to these dairy products in this recipe, because I wanted to see how far I could push the coconut flavor and assist those readers who aren’t friends of lactose. Both products use guar gum, a natural emulsifier, to create the proper consistency of their products. So, do you want guar gum or egg yolks in your creamy holiday beverage? The choice is up to you, really.

Let’s talk ingredients:

Cream of coconut: Very important here: Cream of coconut is not creme de coconut. Creme de coconut is a bar staple that’s key to lovely cocktails like pina coladas and Blue Hawaiians. It comes in a squeeze bottle. It’s full of artificial emulsifiers. Cream of coconut comes in a can, and it’s already separated when you open it. Don’t confuse the two.

Coconut milk: Rich white coconut goodness. Accept no substitutes.

Sweetened condensed milk and evaporated milk: Traditionally, you would use standard dairy products for these in coquito. I was surprised to find coconut-based vegan replacements at my local grocery store. Use what you can find, use what you like.

Spices: I would double the spice content on this recipe without hesitation. Coquito without rum tastes like rice pudding without the rice; add water, rum, or milk, and the spice blooms.

Plantation 3 Star Rum: This recipe really does want Bacardi. But I’m a rum snob, and Bacardi is so bland it might as well be vodka. Plantation 3 Star is dry, flavorful, and potent, something I’ll happily drink when the coquito is gone. Use Silk brand unsweetened coconut milk if you’d prefer a nonalcoholic beverage, or even nonfat milk if you’re not adverse to dairy. You do need to dilute the cooked coquito; undiluted coquito doesn’t have enough room to blossom in flavor.

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DRINK! and OPEN THREAD!