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This past weekend, House Republicans went to a church service and a leadership retreat broke out.
It was supposed to be the other way around, but that’s the risk the Republicans ran when they elected as their speaker doe-eyed Christian and creepy church elder who is not mad — he’s just very, very disappointed that you kids were talking during the pastor’s sermon — Mike Johnson. You expect a presentation of a game plan to take back the House majority in November, and instead you get a little of the old fire and brimstone about the entire country going to hell if everyone doesn’t start reading the Bible.
Johnson, a devout Christian, attempted to rally the group by discussing moral decline in America — focusing on declining church membership and the nation’s shrinking religious identity, according to both people in the room.
The speaker contended that when one doesn’t have God in their life, the government or “state” will become their guide, referring back to Bible verses, both people said. They added that the approach fell flat among some in the room.
Let’s see, the Republicans have a two-seat majority in the House after losing yet another special election, Congress has seven days to pass a stopgap funding bill to avoid a partial government shutdown and the House is in recess for five of them, the Flying Monkey caucus is threatening to force out yet another speaker if they don’t get their way this time, their big investigation into President Biden just saw its main witness indicted for lying about everything and is now sputtering to a premature and unsatisfying finish like a teenage virgin who just touched his first boob, the party’s leading presidential candidate is trying to wiggle out of paying half a billion dollars in civil fines because he committed all the fraud (and the rape), Ukraine is literally begging our legislature to give them some weapons so they won’t be slaughtered by a fascist authoritarian (which isn’t a problem for the GOP since many of them think that fascist authoritarian is just aces), the anti-abortion wing of the party keeps overstepping on abortion even though a blind naked mole rat could tell them it’s a drag on the GOP’s electoral prospects, all while Mike Johnson is trying to rally the troops by telling them to read Two Corinthians or whatever instead of presenting anything resembling a plan to address any of the insanity threatening the party like the plague.
We do not know much about leadership, which is one reason we’ve chosen a career that allows us to spend all day at home in our pajamas. But we know enough to understand that Mike Johnson really, really sucks at it.
“I’m not at church,” one of the people said, describing Johnson’s presentation as “horrible.”
Ah, but see, when you’re with Mike Johnson, any place can be a church. Especially if you let him talk.
Punchbowl News has a bit more, proving that on rare occasions their annoying brand of access journalism can be good for something:
On several occasions during the retreat, lawmakers told Johnson that they’re hoping he becomes a more vocal leader. Johnson’s style is hard to pin down. He’s not very eager to take specific positions and push the conference to follow him. For example, after the Senate passed a $95 billion foreign aid funding bill, Johnson said it wasn’t a priority for him given the looming government funding deadlines.
Right, voting on important things would have taken valuable floor time away from the two votes it took to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas for the high crime and misdemeanor of disagreeing with the GOP about how he should do his job.
The retreat was in Miami, which gave Johnson a chance to scoot over to Mar-a-Lago so he could get his marching orders in person from the giant tangelo that roams the grounds while bitching about polls or Marxist prosecutors or whatever nutty thought the TV put in his head that morning. We wonder if they also talked about America’s declining moral character and rejection of masculine values, right before the tangelo reiterated his demand that Johnson’s party pay his numerous legal bills.
Yr Wonkette could use a new Xbox Bible.
