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Listen, we are still surveying the Republican wreckage from last night, but we wanted to make sure there was another blog post today about how much of a loser Donald Trump is and how many goats his unpopular wretched ugly loser ass boned for the GOP last night.
Because there is room for A LOT OF THOSE today.
Trump Declaring Five Minutes After Boning GOP Senate Hopes? Don’t Threaten Us With A Good Time!
Looks Like GOP Governor Candidates Picked The Wrong Election Day To Go MAGA
If there was any pattern to last night that showed itself early and often, it was that Trump-endorsed lunatic hicks just kept going down in flames, in races that were either winnable or might have been if Republicans hadn’t tethered themselves to the world’s stupidest crime boss.
Consider two races that were resolved really early: In Maryland and Massachusetts, there are right this second Republican governors. Because sometimes in the Northeast it be that way. They like to elect somebody they view as a sensible Republican as their governor, while sending lots of blue people to Congress and other places up and down the ballot.
The current governor of Massachusetts is a Republican named Charlie Baker. In the GOP primary, Donald Trump endorsed an election-denying lunatic named Geoff Diehl over a more moderate guy with an entirely different name. Diehl won the primary, and TA-DA! PRESTO CHANGO! as of last night Massachusetts will have its first lesbian governor, Maura Healey, who is decidedly a Democrat. (Also the first openly lesbian governor nationwide.)
In Maryland, likewise, Trump endorsed a lunatic named Dan Cox to replace outgoing Republican Governor Larry Hogan. Cox won that primary. Larry Hogan called Cox a “QAnon whack job.” Welcome to your handsome sexy new and also history-making Democratic governor Wes Moore, Maryland!
Sure, fine, you say. Aside from the Northeast’s penchant for electing Republican governors, those two states are bluer than the “Da Ba Dee” song where everything is blue. Yes, they are flips out of the Republicans’ column, but maybe you want to talk about some places where Republicans were actually holding on to hope, or even confident maybe they could win something.
Don Bolduc? Donald Trump’s handpicked batshit guy to beat Maggie Hassan and represent New Hampshire in the Senate? Hassan grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and smushed his face into a litterbox and at press time is still rubbing his head around in it. That’s right, she took a Fresh Step right up his ass. We are sure there is a Tidy Cats pun in here somewhere. (Bolduc fell for the litterbox hoax, he is abjectly stupid.)-
More?
Doug Mastriano! Mehmet Oz! Nobody gotta stay up all night in Pennsylvania when Trump’s losers lose at a reasonable hour.
Tudor Dixon in Michigan! Congratulations, Gov. Whitmer!
Tim Michels in Wisconsin! Congratulations, Gov. Evers!
Blake Masters in Arizona! (Loss pending!)
Kari Lake in Arizona! (Loss hopefully fucking pending!)
Herschel Walker in Georgia! (Loss in now officially projected runoff pending, and on that day there won’t be any snotnosed gay libertarians to keep Warnock from crossing the 50 percent line. Yes, we are assuming this would be sorted already if he hadn’t been in the race. Anyway, we’ll deal with it in December.)
Look at what little Donald Trump had to celebrate last night. A Republican loss in a race the Republicans were never going to win in the first place, where the Republican failed to enthusiastically suck Trump’s balls. Sad. Low-energy.
As we noted in our last post, Trump also tried to pretend Don Bolduc lost because he didn’t Big Lie hard enough. You betcha.
And yeah, yeah, yeah, you might be thinking, “Sure, Wonkette, but isn’t it true that JD Vance is going to rub all his individual butthairs all over the Senate now, which at least partially happened because Trump kept coming to Ohio to call him an ass-kisser?” And that’s true, but guess what? Tim Ryan held Vance to a mere 6.5 point victory, in a state that is a red state just like Florida is a red state. If Vance’s total percentage holds, it’s about the same as Trump managed in Ohio, as opposed to some kind of big orange wave.
Know what else Tim Ryan did there and by extension Donald Trump did not pull off?
Or as another elections expert put it, “Democrats will enter 2023 with 5 seats in Ohio, after looking like they could drop to 2.”
So all that happened.
By the way, here’s a headline on the Fox News website right now:
Yeeeeeeeeah.
And we can’t wait to fight that soulless, boring, poopy-pants, whiny-ass authoritarian wannabe DeSantis and watch him crash and burn on a national stage when the time comes. (Remember Scott Walker? Remember how he was definitely for sure going to be the president of all of us one day and now he just quietly tweets about ham? Mark our words.)
But we’ll enjoy this part of it too.
One loser at a time, y’all. One loser at a time.
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