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UPDATE: Our previous update, that Zelenskyy would be speaking at the Hudson Institute, is no longer operative; the appearance has been canceled.
PREVIOUSLY:
Welp, ICYMI Trump just had a goddamned meltdown, hollering while he tried to shake down Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy for Ukraine’s minerals like a bully trying to take a kid’s lunch money. Trump was hoping to declare FLAWLESS VICTORY and ART OF THE DEAL over Ukraine’s mineral rights, but tough shit! Zelenskyy left there without signing any deal, not even a face-saving Canada/Mexico kind of one, and apparently nothing was achieved other than Trump threatening to abandon Ukraine and looking like a dick idiot in front of the world. What else is new?
Here’s the full 45 minutes, if you want your eyeballs to melt into your brain. And here’s a transcript for HOLY SHIT.
Quick backstory, when Ukraine gave up the world’s third-largest collection of nuclear weapons in 1994, it was because Russia agreed to stay the fuck out of there and not engage in economic coercion, and the US, UK, and France agreed to come to Ukraine’s aid if Russia didn’t stick to that agreement. But in 2014, Putin declared the deal void, occupied Crimea, and Russian-backed separatist forces began fighting to take the Donbas in Ukraine, too. But the Russians were unsuccessful, and negotiated a ceasefire through the Minsk agreements of 2014 and 2015. However, a Pooty promise is worth jack and shit, and Russia began that full-scale invasion of Ukraine three years and four days ago.
So today Zelenskyy met with Trump, flanked by pile of asshair JD Vance. Trump started off by being a demeaning asshole as soon as Zelenskyy stepped out of the car: “Oh look. He’s all dressed up today!” (He doesn’t seem to have minded when Elon Trump showed up to preside over his Cabinet meeting dressed in a “Tech Support” T-shirt and trucker cap.) It was all downhill from there.
A reporter asked Trump if he was too aligned with Putin. Because yeah, claiming that Russia did not invade Ukraine and that Zelenskyy is some kind of dictator sure sounds like Putin is attached to Trump’s brain like some kind of space slug, even if a few days later Trump denied he said it. (“Did I say that? I can’t believe I said that. Next question.”)
But Trump did not deny his “alignment.” “If I didn’t align myself with both of them we wouldn’t have a deal […] You see the kind of hatred he has for Putin, it’s very tough for me to make a deal with this kind of hatred. The other side is not exactly in love with him either.”
He’s simply full of love, like Montgomery Burns after a series of medical treatments designed to cheat death for another week, or when mom says she loves all of her kids, but also won’t intervene when one of them beats the crap out of the other. “I’m not aligned with anybody. I’m aligned with the United States of America, and for the good of the world. I’m aligned with the world. I want to get the things set. I’m aligned with Europe. I want to see if we can get this thing done. You want me to be tough? I can be tougher than any human being you’ve ever seen. I’d be so tough. But you’re never going to get a deal that way. So that’s the way it goes.”
NARRATOR: He was not, in fact, aligned with the world.
Anyway, so TOUGH, says the guy too scared to say one word against Putin, ever. The WORLD clearly saw who invaded who, there. But Zelenskyy should say thanks, Putin, for violating all the agreements you ever made, stealing 20,000 Ukrainian children, and bombing babies in hospitals?
Zelenskyy tried to explain, they had a ceasefire deal with Russia already. Russia was supposed to return prisoners. But they did not stick to the ceasefire agreement they agreed to, or return the prisoners either. And Butthair Vance was not trying to hear it, or let anybody else hear it either, and he jumped in to lecture Zelenskyy to be more grateful.
“I think it’s disrespectful for you to try to come to the Oval Office and litigate this before the American media,” he sneered, as if Trump did not invite him and the media there, and Zelenskyy just dropped by on his way to the Tysons Corner Mall. “You should be thanking the president.”
Maybe they should be thanking Zelenskyy, for not bringing up that embarrassing episode when Trump and Giuliani tried to extort him into making up fake dirt about Hunter and Joe Biden?
Instead Zelenskyy said, “Have you ever been to Ukraine, that you say what problems we have? You come once.”
Vance just berated him some more. “Do you think it’s respectful to come to the Oval Office of the United States of America and attack the administration that is trying to prevent the destruction of your country?”
Look, said Zelenskyy, “during the war, everybody has problems. Even you. But you have nice ocean, you don’t feel now, but you will feel it in the future.”
And ooh that set those little-dick bullies OFF.
“You don’t know, you don’t know, don’t tell us what we’re going to feel. We’re trying to solve a problem. Don’t tell us what we’re going to feel. Because you’re in no position to dictate that, remember that, you’re in no position to dictate what we’re going to feel. We’re going to feel very good. We’re going to feel very good and strong. You’re right now not in a very good position. You’ve allowed yourself to be in a very bad position. You’re not in a good position. You don’t have the cards right now. With us you start having cards.”
“I’m not playing cards. I’m very serious.”
“You’re gambling, you’re gambling with the lives of millions of people, you’re gambling with world war three. You’re gambling with world war three and what you’re doing is very disrespectful to the country. This country.”
“Have you said THANK YOU once?” chimed in butthair.
“Your country’s in big trouble,” Trump growled and then he started yelling that a “STUPID PRESIDENT gave you $350 billion dollars,” and Vance demanded “thank you” some more.
“You have to be thankful!” Trump hollered. “You don’t have the cards.” And then he demanded Zelenskyy be thankful even more, and talked about cards even more, and huffed that “the attitudes have to change.” Time for Ukraine to make like Oliver Twist and hold out their gruel-bowl if they want the US to adhere to the agreements they already made, and not tear them up!
“You’re either going to make a deal or we’re out. If we’re out, you’ll fight it out. I don’t think it will be pretty,” Trump huffed at one point. As if he was not already out, and the whole mineral-rights thing isn’t like Terry Doria borrowing money from doomed Vito Spatafore.
Zelenskyy left abruptly, and even the New York Times seems SHOOK.
“The departure was an extraordinary moment at the White House: the leader of an ally whose country is fighting for its life abruptly leaving, or being thrown out, after an explosive shouting match in the Oval Office,” a “dramatic break in relations between two wartime allies.”
And Trump TruthSocialed that because Zelenskyy was so unthankful, he is just not ready for peace.
So, that’s what happened today. An ally of the United States met with its commander in chief to ask to be part of the negotiations to end (??) a war of aggression against it committed by an enemy of the United States, and the United States threw him out of the White House because he didn’t suck the president’s dick just right.
No Russia, no Russia. We are the Russia.
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