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Much will be said in the coming days about Donald Trump’s decision to pass over all the other contenders to choose as his running mate a man made entirely of long-ago shedded butthair and blue eyes named JD Vance.
For instance, people are talking about what a slap in the face to our allies, and beautifully wrapped gift to Russia, this is, as Vance has long been an absolute scumbag who doesn’t care whether Ukraine lives or dies, or rather seems to prefer that it dies.
People are also talking about what led to Trump choosing Vance, the process by which Trump broke the bad news to Marco Rubio and Doug Burgum, then brought Vance to Mar-a-Lago to grab him by the pussy and take him furniture shopping. (Politico Playbook has a good roundup of those stories.)
But if you want to know who directly to blame for this, NBC News says we can blame Donald Trump’s big ugly sons, who begged him to pick their friend like “DAD! DAD! CAN JD COME TO WHITE HOUSE WITH US? DAD!”
We wish we were exaggerating.
With the clock ticking to the Republican National Convention last week, Donald Trump met privately to discuss his running mate search with two of his closest advisers: his sons.
The conversation quickly turned tense when the former president indicated that he was leaning toward Doug Burgum, until recently the largely unknown governor of North Dakota — but someone whose low-maintenance, no-drama personality would never threaten to outshine Trump.
That’s when Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump chimed in.
“Don Jr. and Eric went bats— crazy: ‘Why would you do something so stupid? He offers us nothing,’” a longtime Republican operative familiar with the discussion told NBC News.
“They were basically all like ‘JD, JD, JD,’” the operative said.
And Donald Trump, because he is a lovingly loving fatherly father who loves his sons lovingly the way regular fatherly fathers love their regular sons, finally relented and allowed his sons to bring indoors the pet ball of human butthair they had been throwing back and forth in the backyard.
Another thing brings home for us how Trump has chosen someone who brings absolutely nothing to the ticket, but rather just soothes his basest urges. There’s a parallel between these two men we noticed.
Remember the 2011 White House Correspondents Dinner, where Barack Obama had time to take a break from literally murdering Osama bin Laden to make jokes about what a loser Trump was? (Trump had been invited by Vanity Fair, and that in itself was kind of a joke that Trump wasn’t in on.)
The next night, after the Bin Laden raid had concluded and Bin Laden was a corpse, all the networks pre-empted “The Celebrity Apprentice” for the announcement.
Trump denies that the public humiliation of that night and weekend had anything to do with his decision to ultimately run for president, but lots of people say it was at the very least a tipping point. (It’s not the whole story, though, clearly. Trump was being groomed to run for president, likely by Russia, for a long ass time. It may have started as far back as 1987!)
Now let’s flip over to the lore about the tipping point that led JD Vance to complete his transition from Person With Principles to the detestable, off-putting MAGA butthair sculpture he is today. It was when everybody made fun of the garbage piece of shit movie that was made out of his dumb Meemaw and Peepaw book.
When the “Hillbilly Elegy” movie came out on Netflix in 2020, it was not just critically panned but greeted with intense online mockery, and the tenuous cultural diplomacy achieved by the book seemed to unravel for good. (Rotten Tomatoes audience score: 83 percent. Critics’ score: 25 percent.) According to Vance’s best friend from Yale, Jamil Jivani, the wounding commentary was the “last straw” in his falling-out with elites.
That’s what Trump and his running mate have in common: childish, poopypants resentment that cooler people made fun of them. That’s why we’re here.
And because Junior and Eric begged.
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