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Now that we know who Kamala Harris’s running mate is, it’s time to remember how Donald Trump’s running mate is this weird, off-putting sicko piece of ass lint with a breeding fetish, and we don’t just mean that debunked internet rumor that he likes to insert his wanger into couches and impregnate the cushions while shouting, “I’m making stuffed animal versions of JD Vance!”
The other day we flashed back to the 2020 (held in 2021) Summer Olympics, when JD Vance, in all his male Caucasian mediocrity, thought he had standing to open his mouth and comment on Simone Biles, who had to leave the competition that year for mental health reasons. (She had the twisties, which causes gymnasts to lose themselves in the air, which causes gymnasts to break their necks.)
Vance opened his pursed butthole mouth at the time to whine that our “therapeutic society” was causing us to praise Biles not for “heroism,” but for what she did in her “weakest moments.” It’s funny because JD Vance’s entire life is a “weakest moment” and he’d be nothing without the welfare of Peter Thiel’s money. Ha ha!
When we wrote that, Biles, along with her teammates Jordan Chiles, Suni Lee, Jade Carey, and 16-year-old Hezly Rivera, had just taken gold in the team gymnastics final.
Biles immediately went on to win two more golds on her own — all-around and vault.
Now, after last night’s final events, Biles’s 2024 Olympics, her Redemption Tour, is over, along with that of the entire women’s gymnastics team, and we thought you might like to know how it ended.
Biles didn’t win gold in her floor routine final. Brazil’s Rebeca Andrade (who is exquisite) won it. Biles won silver.
Biles also, along with Suni Lee, fell during her individual balance beam routine, which meant no medals for the Americans in that event. Oh well.
Her imperfections in the floor routine? Well, she’s so damned powerful occasionally she lands in the parking lot, which is considered by the gymnastics authorities to be “out of bounds.”
Quote-unquote.
American Jordan Chiles was the last to compete in floor, and when the initial scores came down she was in fifth place, and the bronze position was for Romanian Ana Barbosu, who began to celebrate. Then Chiles’s coaches submitted an inquiry, contesting the opening difficulty score for her routine, saying it didn’t include a move she performed. The judges agreed, Chiles’s score was amended, and the bronze was hers.
So that was incredibly cool for her, and devastating to watch for poor Ana Barbosu.
But the coolest part came when it was time for the medals to be awarded. As Andrade was coming forward to take her place at the top of the podium, Biles and Chiles bowed down to her, in an image that’s already iconic.
You can see it all in these videos — the first is a news report which includes the iconic bowing photograph, and the second shows some of the press conference they gave afterward:
In that press conference, Biles talked about how much she loves Andrade, how Andrade makes her a better gymnast, and just more nice words.
And she addressed the podium moment.
“It was an all-Black podium, so that was super-exciting for us,” said Biles. (Pigfuck white supremacist Matt Walsh scoffed at the significance of an all-Black podium, because that’s what pigfuck white supremacists say.)
“But then Jordan was like ‘Should we bow to her?’ and I was like ‘Absolutely!’”
So they did it.
Chiles took over and talked some more about what an “icon and legend” Rebeca Andrade is. They wanted to give Andrade her flowers, Chiles said, because Andrade has been in the position of giving Biles and the rest of the Americans their flowers so many times. It was their turn to give them back.
It was just about the classiest, most sportsmanslike display imaginable. What a moment to illustrate just how much greater these human beings are than any American conservative loser who can’t be normal and be happy for them.
Oh did y’all see that after her golds the other day, Biles tweeted, “I love my black job”?
We said they were superior people to JD Vance and Matt Walsh and Charlie Kirk and all the rest. Never said they couldn’t be petty AF.
Congratulations to the best among us and fuck MAGA garbage.
OPEN THREAD.
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