Rudy Giuliani Miraculously Back From Dead, So Your Prayer Chain Must Have Worked

Ohhhhh, yesterday was so very dramatic. Rudy Giuliani was brutally beaten to death by a man at the grocery store on Staten Island who tapped him on the back, but don’t worry he got better. But not that much better. He “just about fell down,” but he didn’t, said Rudy. He felt “this tremendous pain.” He said if he wasn’t such a rock hard stud, “I would have hit the ground and probably cracked my skull.”

That’s right, the grocery store tapping would have MURDERED HIM.

He said his naked back was covered in red marks, and nobody was about to check that, because ain’t nobody want that naked thang around them. Rudy was gonna have that guy arrested! One of the reasons Rudy made all the crime in New York go away is that he “didn’t ignore stuff like this!”

And Rudy’s pathetic mediocre loser “Kick Me” sign of a son Andrew, who thinks he is running for New York governor, chimed in and said, “We will not be intimidated by leftwing attacks. As governor I will stand up for law and order so that New Yorkers feel safe again.”

Giphy

Except, according to the footage, like, nah, it wasn’t like that.

Now, reality is catching up.

The New York Daily News reports that the alleged shoulder-tapper has had his charges downgraded from felony assault, despite how Rudy is blubbering words like “If that doesn’t merit jail time in New York, we’re in the Wild, Wild West.” Oh you know what, fuck it, let’s just listen to Rudy cry some more, that’s why we’re all here:

“I got hit on the back as if a boulder hit me,” Giuliani claimed. “It hurt tremendously. I did not know what it was. I had no idea what it was. And all of a sudden I heard someone yell something at me, dirty curse words and some more dirty curse words as he retreated, ran away. Then he turned around and said I was a woman-killer.”

Goddammit these people are always such fucking wusses.

But yeah, the shoulder-tapper’s lawyer explained to a judge that, you know, Jesus Christ, we can all see the video, and the Staten Island DA’s office chose “misdemeanor assault plus two other misdemeanors, for menacing and harassment,” which still reads as a bit dramatic to us, especially since Rudy has said he wanted the dude arrested to “make an example out of him.”

As the shoulder-tapper’s lawyer Susan Platis explained:

“I think it actually shows a tap on the back, which is not criminal conduct,” Platis said in court. “There’s no intent here to harm anyone. [Giuliani] may have been surprised and stunned being touched in the back … but he’s a public figure, Your Honor. Being spoken to and things being said to him should be of no surprise and should be anticipated.”

Right.

Anyway, we are all just relieved Rudy continues to make his recovery, the kind of recovery that allows him to get on Facebook Live and bitch and moan about “some criminal banging you on the back … as hard as he could.”

And also:

“I worry about this little punk for you, because if he can come and hit me, a 78-year-old man, next thing he does is gonna hit you,” Giuliani told his Facebook Live audience. “Between now and the next time we catch him, who knows how many more people he is going to hit,” Giuliani warned. (The worker had no prior criminal record.)

Right. Thoughts and prayers, Rudy. Thoughts and prayers.

[New York Daily News / Washington Post]

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