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Soon it will be a new year, and Congress will return so that Republicans can continue desperately scrounging around to find something, ANYTHING in their Great Hunter Biden Penis Hunt that they can use to make the Biden family look like the Sopranos of Rehoboth Beach.
The GOP obsession with chasing down every tentacle of the alleged Biden crime empire has long since soared past “weird” and gone deep into “what the fucking fuck is wrong with you fucks” territory. Here’s a particularly sad effort that The New York Times knocked down a couple of days before Christmas that still has us sitting here with our gobs somewhat smacked.
Back in a September hearing, Congressman Byron Donalds was busy presenting some old Hunter Biden text messages out of all context so that he could then baselessly speculate that they were all evidence of a vast criminal enterprise run by the Bidens. (We even wrote about it at the time.) One of those texts, from Hunter to eldest daughter Naomi, read like this, according to the Times:
“I Hope you all can do what I did and pay for everything for this entire family Fro 30 years,” he wrote in the typo-filled message. “It’s really hard. But don’t worry unlike Pop I won’t make you give me half your salary.”
Donalds apparently envisioned Joe Biden yelling “You kick 50 percent of everything up to me, you little shit,” as he beat Hunter over the head with a 3-wood while his consigliere tried not to wince at all the blood:
Tell us more, New York Times:
Donalds, Republican of Florida, displayed the message and asked a witness, Bruce G. Dubinsky, a forensic accountant, “If you saw a text message like this in a potential money laundering operation, or a potential pay-for-play operation, would you be looking for information related to money going from son to father?”
The truth is, of course, much more mundane.
At the time the message was sent, Naomi Biden, her boyfriend, and her sister Finnegan were skiing in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, when Finnegan wiped out and fractured her leg. Naomi called her mother to ask what to do, and her mother, who had been divorced from Hunter for several years by then, said to get Finnegan on a plane back to Washington DC, where she lived.
Meanwhile, Hunter was in rehab in Massachusetts, receiving ketamine infusions that were supposed to curb his cravings for booze and crack. He wanted Naomi to get her sister to New York, where he would get her in to see an orthopedic surgeon he had been referred to. Naomi did as her mother said, which sent Hunter into a spiral.
From the Times:
Hunter felt dejected, and, while apparently under the influence of drugs, wrote a series of angry and often nonsensical messages to Naomi in which he threatened to cut her off financially. […]
That was when he sent the message about having to kick half his salary up to notorious Mafioso Joe Biden.
Except Hunter wasn’t talking about whatever lobbying money he was getting from China or Ukrainian gas companies. Apparently when Hunter and his brother Beau were in high school and then college, Joe Biden encouraged them to find jobs to learn how to be self-sufficient. Additionally, he had them hand over half the paychecks to him as an early lesson in having to pay room and board.
Now Hunter, decades later, was freaking out on his daughter for not obeying him while he was on The Shit That Killed Matthew Perry (and then some) and instead listened to her mother, which is very bad and rude to him, Hunter, king of all he surveys. Which his kids understood at the time:
“It just brought me back,” she said. “I started crying. You really can’t make sense of these texts because they don’t make sense. It was such a hard time. These were his darkest days because of the drugs. It’s just, like, little bits of trauma and anger coming out.”
Naomi said it was immediately clear to her what Hunter meant when he referred to giving half of his salary to his father.
Hunter Biden had a serious drug problem, and all sorts of anger and guilt and maybe some natural dickishness and who knows what else clogging up his clouded brain. And while being petty and lashing out at his adult children might make him something of an asshole — (it does) — it certainly does not make him a money launderer bribe man.
Byron Donalds could have learned all this in September before spitefully airing the Biden family’s dirty laundry in public, at a congressional hearing, in the most painful way possible, with no Bidens there to correct him.
Instead, three months later, we get a reporter from the Times correcting the story, long after Donalds and his colleagues got their little soundbites out of it and the whole incident became another part of the larger cloud of vague shadiness the GOP has been trying to keep hanging over the president’s head for years.
Way to go, guys. We can’t wait to see what other damning stories of a father trying to teach his sons responsibility that you exhume in the new year.
You are not one of Joe Biden’s children, so you can kick your money up to someone else!
