On January 6, 2021, AKA MAGA Christmas, America bore witness to what happens when you let its absolute most embarrassing citizens out of the basement and allow them to take field trips. One of those citizens was Jacob Chansley, the so-called QAnon shaman, who was one of the only walking armpit farts present that day who took the time to prepare a real costume.
He has some inbred dumbass far-right tattoos on his trunk, which was on display, and he visited the MAGA face-painting booth and whatever clown working it put some American flag art on his face, and he was wearing a special funny horny furry hat.
Well, the mean feds took his hat, and they won’t give it back even though he is finished with prison now. And that is the subject of this blog post.
“They’re keeping it like it’s evidence,” Jacob Chansley told The Daily Beast.
Like it’s evidence?
“The case is over, so there’s no reason for them to continue holding onto it.”
OK. Know what else was over on the day this mouthbreathing cow helped attack the United States Capitol?
“It’s rather upsetting that they’re not doing what the government is supposed to do and returning the property,” said Chansley, who has been convicted of obstructing democracy itself.
Bless his heart. Know what else is rather upsetting?
He said he bought the headdress online long before he joined the storming of the Capitol
“Dude, I’ve been dressing that way for over 10 years,” he said.
As the Constitution explains clearly, it’s not an insurrection if you wear the appropriate hat. Also if you can prove you wear that hat all the time, even when you’re just running out for Imodium and fireworks — that you need the hat for non-insurrectionist purposes — then you get to take it home after you’re finished with jail.
It’s definitely part of the Bill of Rights, probably.
The Daily Beast types a few reminders of what a fucking scumbag this dude really is, and what he did on January 6. He was one of the first insurrectionists to breach the Capitol, screaming “Time’s up, motherfuckers!” He wrote a note to Mike Pence that said “It’s Only A Matter of Time. Justice Is Coming!” The Beast adds:
That message can only be seen as threatening given Chansley’s earlier declaration online: “We shall have no real hope to survive the enemies arrayed against us until we hang the traitors lurking among us.”
Ayup.
So can he have hat if he bitches and moans a lot?
As he was driving home to Phoenix the day after the riot, Chansley learned that the FBI was looking for him. He says agents seized the headdress, along with the rest of get-up and his phone, when he turned himself in at the Phoenix field office two days later.
“I had it with me in the car,” he said. “They just took it.”
He wannnnnnnts HAT.
Hat hat hat hat hat.
“They gave my mom the car back shortly after the investigation was over, but they refused to give me my headdress and my staff and my phone and my pants,” he said “So what’s up with that?”
His headdress and his staff and his phone and his pants. The American government is letting this man languish in anguish without headdress and staff and phone and pants.
Did you know the QAnon shaman dipshit is running for Congress, even though he is no longer allowed to vote? (America!) Maybe he should make it part of his platform: “On day one as your congressman, I promise to PLEASE GIVE ME BACK HAT.”
Head to the Daily Beast to read more entertaining words about this stupid cumsack and the horns on his headdress and whatnot. (“Technically they’re acrylic,” says dipshit. “But they’re supposed to be bison.”)
We are not sure whether this guy deserves his hat back — his lawyer says the government is saying it could be subject to civil litigation or something — but we think all patriotic Americans can agree that we actually don’t care and this guy can go fuck himself.
The end.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
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