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Conservative Party of Canada leader Pierre Poilievre’s uncommon French surname translates roughly as “hare hair,” so it seems fitting he’s seen a huge lead in a race to become the next prime minister slip away like the odds-on favorite in the showdown between Aesop’s tortoise and hare.
Pete Polyester tried giving his sputtering campaign some gas with a new ad titled “Change is coming down the track — and it’s coming fast” showing the manly man is capable of driving fast while wearing a big ol’ brain bucket like the one that tanked Michael Dukakis’s presidential campaign in 1988. It’s even worse than it sounds:
Peewee was in southern BC visiting a private luxury race course designed by famed Canadian reckless driver Jacques Villeneuve when he had his big adventure behind the wheel of a blue Corvette Z06. Presumably he had the most fun making hard turns to the right. But at least this particular ad was made in Canada by proud Canadian workers!
Young Pierre was only nine when the Democratic nominee made his ill-fated trip to a General Dynamics plant in Michigan, but it seems impossible a career politician didn’t learn the important lesson to NEVER sport an enormous black helmet on the campaign trail.
It could be the reason Lord Vader seized power instead of running for office. Nobody wants to vote for the dude in the dorky lid.
You have to wonder whose idea this was. It certainly wasn’t his partner Anaida’s, who made it clear she wasn’t comfortable playing Days of Thunder with Dark Helmet but nonetheless got in the car like a dutiful tradwife. (The brief shot of a bored toddler is presumably one of their kids and, to their credit, the Poilievres didn’t stuff him into a non-existent back seat for it.) The choice of a Corvette for the car porn was equally clueless as an American sportscar closely associated with Kentucky given we’re in the middle of a fucking trade war. At least it wasn’t a Tesla.
A little red Corvette like the one in Prince’s first hit would’ve been funnier but here’s your periodic reminder that red is the Team Liberal color while blue means the Blue Meanies, yet another example of why the 51st state thing is a terrible idea.
Unlike Prince or swing states, we don’t do purple.
It’s hard to imagine fearsome chief strategist Jenni Byrne had advance notice of the headset-in-a-’vette scheme, and it’s likely Speedy Gazoo only found out himself after arriving — as Dukakis did — that helmets are required for safety reasons. She surely must’ve seen a cut before it was posted on YouTube though, but then again this is the same person who thought it was a good idea for former PM Stephen Harper to announce he’d create a special “barbaric cultural practices” hotline to report suspected crimes such as honor killings or maybe Haitians eating pets. Even though 911 exists. The open racism is widely considered the reason the incumbent got his ass handed to him by Justin Trudeau in the 2015 election. Which is a much better reason to lose an election than cosplaying as a tank commander.
Byrne must’ve also signed off on a bonkers new official election flash survey on the party’s website. I’d never heard the term “flash survey” before but this one is even dumber than asking voters their thoughts on problematic trans actor Ezra Miller that instead goes the full MAGA with some hilariously loaded questions and answers. To wit:
Will you be voting for Pierre Poilievre and Canada First Conservatives?
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Yes – Canada First, for a change!
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No – Woke Liberals have my vote
Pierre Poilievre will lock up the worst criminals for life. Do you want safer streets?
Pierre Poilievre will lower taxes on seniors. Do you support Canadian seniors?
The Carney Trudeau Liberals have FAILED our military. Pierre Poilievre and Canada First Conservatives will strengthen it. Do you want a stronger military?
The poor No answers weren’t even given the dignity of punctuation! You’re more than welcome to toy with the Cons’ confidence yourselves by filling it out, although you’ll have to provide a name, phone number and email address along with a promise to help the Tories out in material ways. I personally went with Pierre Poutine and gave them Ontario preem Doug Ford’s contact info. Canadian zip codes are a series of letters and numbers, and I can confirm the H0H-0H0 created for kids to mail wish lists to Santa worked just fine. It’s like Canada’s own easily remembered 90210.
Although I’m regretting not going with Mike Dukakis instead.
[Global News / Official Election Flash Survey / CBC / Blue Sky!]
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