If somebody asked you what makes it rain — actual rain, not “making it rain” like in the hip-hop videos — what would you say? Would you say some kind of liberal woke claptrap about “clouds” and “water cycle”? Get out of here with your Critical Rain Theory, Satan!
Oklahoma Republican Senator James Lankford knows why it rained in Oklahoma this summer, and it is because Oklahoma banned abortion in May, and that made God cry so many happy tears that they all fell onto Oklahoma, which came in handy, because Oklahoma was having a drought.
Lankford explained this to hate group leader Tony Perkins from the Family Research Council at something called the “Pray Vote Stand Summit.”
PERKINS: I believe that as these states embrace Biblical truth as it pertains to life, that I believe God’s gonna bless those nations — or those, those states — as those states come in alignment with God, I believe it’s going to be a testimony to the rest of the nation. Again, another sign of God’s mercy that He will pour out His blessing on those that choose to walk in His way.
Nothing bad will happen to fascist states, everything good will happen to them. This is a man talking in the year 2022, but please, let’s let these primitive patriarchal grunters with their prehensile tails — allegedly! probably! — set our public policy.
LANKFORD: I agree. I agree. And … that’s not some radical principle, just for people to be faithful and for God to bless them.
It’s dumb.
LANKFORD: I mean, it’s just the most basic principle of all. As funny as it sounds, we’ve experienced a big drought in Oklahoma. The week after — the week after — we passed this law to be able to protect the lives of children, we had the most overwhelming rainstorm that came across the state, and it was such an interesting conversation among people in the church, like, “Did that just happen? Did that just occur?”
Bunch of dumbasses at that church, that’s what happened. “Did that just happen? Did that just occur?” Buncha idiots asking each other if God sent rain because Oklahoma decided pregnant people and their doctors are too stupid and evil to make these decisions, gotta get some white Republican men in there in the exam room who think they speak for God.
Oklahoma’s abortion ban is vile. It bans all abortionsfrom fertilization, except for “life of the mother” — a pretty meaningless phrase, it turns out — or in cases of rape or incest, but only if said rape and incest has been reported to the cops. It’s also a bounty hunter ban, like they have in Texas.
But as Hemant Mehta notes at his new OnlySky website, what Lankford is saying here is particularly stupid and wrongheaded, because some of those blessed rains God spurted at Oklahoma in honor of the unborn babies ended up being devastating floods. (Silly God, always overdoing it with the rain!)
Also it was two weeks later. (Silly God, set up some Alexa reminders!)
Click here and see how James Lankford’s God gets so giggly about abortion bans that He in His obvious holiness starts making commands like “ALL THE PICKUP TRUCKS SHOULD GO SWIMMING!” and click here for “FUCK YOUR CROPS! FUCK ALL YOUR CROPS!” Tornado warnings in the area? That’s probably just God doing the Charleston with some fetuses!
So James Lankford is an absolute moron.
By the way, JoeMyGod reminds us that back in 2016, the Baton Rouge home of Tony Perkins, to whom Lankford was speaking, was destroyed in the devastating flooding that happened there. We now understand that the state government of Louisiana must have done something that pleases white fascist Jesus.
In related news, Michigan GOP nominee for attorney general Matt DePerno this week said we need to stop Plan B (the morning-after pill) just like you stop fentanyl. “You’ve got to figure out how to ban the pill from the state. … You have to stop it at the border. It would be no different than fentanyl,” he said, about banning the morning-after pill.
You know, in case you have forgotten that every single one of these people is batshiiiiiit.
[OnlySky]
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