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This morning America is abuzz about the winners and losers of the first Republican debate. (Abuzz!) Winners like Donald Trump, who was not there, and Satan, who was, because he lives in each and every Republican candidate’s heart. Losers like Ron DeSantis, and Jesus, because Mike Pence wouldn’t stop chasing him like “GON GIT YEW, LORD!”
Republicans are too much of a deranged fascist personality cult to notice, but there was one candidate on the stage (1) who comported themselves (herself) like a vaguely sane person who could actually compete in a general election. It’s not that Nikki Haley was great or anything, she’s still a monster like the rest of them. For instance when it came time to bash transgender kids, she was right there with ‘em. (Haley has of course taken the lead on that issue.)
When the rest of the candidates discussed abortion — easily Republicans’ most losing-est issue, ever since their unqualified illegitimate partisan hack Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, as evidenced by what happens every time Americans vote on it ever since — Haley was the only one who made a vague effort to find some semblance of common ground with the American people, as opposed to simply reminding them that God never did like a whore. It was bullshit, because Americans support abortion rights and that is why Republicans are going to lose on this issue until their party has been ground up like a stump.
But she tried to act as if she has human feelings about the issue.
And then there was Ukraine. It was unique because it was the only issue where a few of the candidates were legitimately good on something, as opposed to it being a contest between “bugfuck vs. slightly less bugfuck.” Two distinct wings still exist in the Republican Party: the one that at least still pays lip service to the truth that Russia is a worldwide menace, NATO is a ride-or-die alliance, and Vladimir Putin’s unilateral war of choice against Ukraine is pure evil; and the other wing, which is unfortunately stuck inside Putin’s butthole and says it’s not coming out because it’s warm.
And it was on Ukraine where Nikki Haley decided to call Vivek Ramaswamy a little bitch and stuff him in a locker and pull his pants down in front of the whole class and make him cry and then make fun of him because boys aren’t supposed to cry. Calling him by his first name, she explained to the disrespectful little child exactly how foreign policy works, you little libertarian tech bro know-nothing, shut your mouth, the former UN ambassador is speaking.
HALEY: A win for Russia is a win for China. We have to know that. Ukraine is the first line of defense of us. And the problem that Vivek doesn’t understand is, he wants to hand Ukraine to Russia. He wants to let China eat Taiwan. He wants to go and stop funding Israel. You don’t do that to friends. What you do instead is you have the backs of your friends.
Ukraine is the front line of defense. Putin has said if Russia, once Russia takes Ukraine, Poland and the Baltics are next. That’s a world war. We’re trying to prevent war.
Look at what Putin did today: He killed Prigozhin. When I was at the UN, the Russian ambassador suddenly died. This guy is a murderer, and you are choosing a murderer over a pro-American country!
Oh, he was so mad at her for saying all those things. But she actually got cheers from the audience. She actually got that audience behind her in that moment, or at least part of it.
The littlest fuckboy responded by trying to drop a line about wishing Haley luck on her future careers on the boards of Lockheed and Raytheon, but she closed his mouth for him: “YOU HAVE NO FOREIGN POLICY EXPERIENCE, AND IT SHOWS.”
Ramaswamy tried to say what he really loves about Israel is its border wall or something. But fuck off. The conversation was over.
For one second, in a sea of literal human garbage, one person on stage actually looked presidential.
Nikki Haley is still a piece of shit, obviously, but it was fun TV, and a revelatory moment.
As we said, it’s a weird issue because there truly is an argument in the Republican Party between supporting our allies vs. licking Vladimir Putin’s murderous taint-hole and co-signing his mass child rapes and genocides.
Ramaswamy accused the others of treating Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy as their “pope.” Chris Christie meanwhile criticized Putin for kidnapping over 20,000 Ukrainian children and claiming them for Russia. “They have gouged out people’s eyes, cut off their ears, and shot people in the back of the head – men – and then gone into those homes and raped the daughters and the wives who were left as widows and orphans.” He noted that this is the same Putin who Donald Trump thinks is “brilliant” and a “genius.” The audience booed him for that.
Like we said, there’s an argument in the Republican Party about this.
As for Haley’s strong performance last night, it’s funny because she’s probably attacked Trump a wee bit too much to be his running mate. (Another candidate who isn’t as thin-skinned as Trump could, but not Trump, he is too weak and sensitive.) She said last night, correctly, that “Trump is the most disliked politician in America. We can’t win a general election that way!”
We’re not actually certain Republicans are capable of winning a general election in any way at this point, they are so hated by all normal Americans. But she had a point.
But pigshitter Republican primary voters are still going to pick Trump, and he is going to lose the general in world-historically hilarious fashion, and at some point in this process he’s very possibly going to prison.
Sorry, Nikki Haley! You tried dot gif.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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