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A lot of people want to think Newsmax’s Greg Kelly is an elaborate bit, perhaps a long-running practical joke from God himself. If so, God is real dang committed.
Yes, children, mediocre white MAGA weenuses with masculinity issues can be that stupid. They can think that the fact Donald Trump asked for Diet Coke while he was waving around his stolen classified documents at Bedminster somehow suggests he was not betraying the country right then. They can think Trump’s attempted coup was fine because he didn’t send in the tanks after all. (Some of them wanted to, if it came to that.)
Greg Kelly is as stupid as he seems, until proven otherwise. Look, sometimes people are just exactly as dumb as they look (cf. House Oversight Chair James Comer) and that is helpful:
Right.
So the other day we had a piece about how garden variety MAGA garbage was reacting to Donald Trump’s latest indictments, particularly the case of the Texas woman who left a voicemail for DC District Court Judge Tanya Chutkan. “You are in our sights, we want to kill you,” she said. She opened her message calling Chutkan, who is Black, a “stupid slave [N-word].” She said she wanted to kill Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, “all democrats in Washington D.C. and all people in the LGBTQ community,” per the complaint.
And our headline was “Oh So Now It’s Illegal To Leave Voicemails For Judges?”
We were far from the only ones to make the joke, but it’s becoming totally de rigueur among fascist trash that every time one of their heroes does something traitorous or terroristic, they reduce it to the vaguest terms possible and say “Oh, so it’s a crime to make plans with your friends now?” (Conspiracy.) And so forth.
And so here comes Greg Kelly to talk about the voicemail threats against Chutkan. Why that’s just what happens when you live “life in the fast lane!”
GREG KELLY: The other latest obsession of the fake news, anything remotely critical about Judge Chutkan. She is now a deity in America. She is the January 6th judge presiding over the trial of Donald Trump that should never happen. And nothing should happen to her, but they need to lighten up quite a bit.
Saying a judge shouldn’t receive death threats from unhinged white fascists means she is a “deity in America.” Kind of a low bar for deities, we think.
KELLY: Panel after panel, breaking news. Oh my goodness gracious, a voicemail. Now, that’s very unfortunate, but it’s also life in the fast lane. It happens.
Being a federal judge is “life in the fast lane.” We guess the most exciting thing in most of Greg’s viewers’ lives is hoping nobody laced their Metamucil with meth. But there’s Judge Chutkan in Fancy Dan Washington DC, hittin’ shit with gavels like a big important lady!
KELLY: Interestingly, the fake news, they did not pick up the very real threat against Barron Trump. Barron Trump received death threats from an Illinois woman, prosecutors say, but that is — you got to look around. You gotta hunt and peck for that story. It’s very, very discreet.
So discreet we found it at CBS News in five seconds of googling. Sorry Greg’s “hunt and peck” apparently took a lot longer. As we discussed, he’s dumb as shit.
KELLY: You know, famous people tend to get threats. It’s one of the reasons back when we had phone books, you couldn’t look up Dustin Hoffman’s phone number in the phone book because weirdos would call him up and you know, threaten him.
Yes, and when the people who don’t like you are the literal lowest rungs of American society, we guess these things are bound to happen. After all, Judge Chutkan is on TV, where the fancy people are!
KELLY: So, Judge Chutkan, sorry. We don’t want anything — nobody wants anything to happen to you. But when you’re on television, especially in a controversial thing, you may get a couple of weirdos calling you up on the phone. You got marshals protecting you, and that’s good. We want safety. But you guys are dramatizing this because you want to score points against MAGA and you make it like we’re a threat to democracy and all that stuff, alright? We know what you’re doing here.
Oh go fuck yourself and cry more, dipshit.
OPEN THREAD.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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