Ever since America learned of South Dakota Republican Governor Kristi Noem’s unique way of disciplining a naughty puppy — with cold-blooded murder — people have been naturally thinking about other famous incidences of animal cruelty. Michael Vick, for instance. And in the Republican political context, people have of course thought about the time now-Senator Mittens of Romney loaded the family into the station wagon for a tour of America, and loaded the family dog onto the roof of the station wagon, and was like “OK well, Buttons, hold on tight! We’ll see you when we get to Abilene, we reckon!”
LIKE SO!
AND
Mittens thinks we were all being unfair, and since these days we often are in the strange position of re-evaluating how we feel about Mittens, we guess we will admit that at least Mittens strapped Bingo to the top of the car so it could go on the vacation and not because they were hauling it to the gravel pit for a good murderin’.
“I didn’t shoot my dog,” said Romney, truthfully.
“I loved my dog and my dog loved me,” said Romney. Maybe it was just a different time, when the kids didn’t have to wear seatbelts and the dogs liked to ride on the roof with the clam that held the family’s luggage. Maybe for his dog that was like riding shotgun.
Better for the dog to ride shotgun — best view in the car, on the roof! — than to get shotgunned, by Kristi Noem, in the face.
Romney had other super-bitchy and hilarious things to say about Noem, which is why we are really here.
Romney weighed in on Donald Trump’s VP hunt, which Kristi Noem has now removed herself from, with her trigger finger:
“I guess it kind of makes it a little difficult for President Trump to find someone to be his [vice president]. He has to look for someone smarter than him, [a] better speaker than him and, like him, does not get burdened with principles,” Romney told HuffPost on Tuesday.
And he elaborated on the dog thing some more:
“I didn’t eat my dog. I didn’t shoot my dog. I loved my dog, and my dog loved me,” Romney said.
Nobody said anything about eating dogs, Mittens.
So there you have it. Mitt Romney might have strapped Bluey to the luggage rack and said make sure to duck for overpasses, but when they got to their destination, when his kids asked “Where’s Bluey?” he said “On top of the car! Let’s go get him and commence to our family vacationing!” during which their dog was permitted to keep breathing.
As opposed to Kristi Noem, whose child said “Where’s Cricket?” and, um, well. You know that farm where the dogs go and run and hop and skip and play all day? Mommy mailed Cricket’s body there, after she shot it.
In conclusion, since we didn’t post it at the time, here’s that video from last week of Mittens being a saucy bitch about Trump’s porn peener payoff trial in Manhattan, quipping that “So far as I know, you don’t pay someone $130,000 NOT to have sex with you.”
Meeeeeeeee-ow, said the man with the dog on the roof rack. Meeeeeeeeee-ow.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
If you’re shopping on Amazon anyway, this portal gives us a small commission.
