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File under: things that also happened to you but you’re too ashamed to talk about your walk with the Lord in public.
Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta brings us the testimony of prophetess Donna Rigney, who went to heaven and got to fuck around in God’s petting zoo with our Lord Jesus Christ. We guess he had the day off from saving souls.
It started right after she consecrated her house back to Jesus, and then Jesus was like “come on, open your spiritual eyes,” and THEN ALL THIS HAPPENED:
Give yourself one point for all the things that have also happened to you:
“Instantly, I was in the spirit and I was in heaven. And animals started gathering around us. So, the father I’m sitting between the father and Jesus, oh!
OH! Right there on the couch with God and Jesus, OH!
and a giraffe comes over and licks my face.”
“I love it,” said Steve Shultz, the man Rigney was talking to, as he laughed about the giraffe in God’s petting zoo in heaven licking her on her face.
“A big gorilla, a gorilla that I saw before was pushing the swing one day when I was in heaven with the father and Jesus.”
Oh, this wasn’t just a one-time thing? How long has this been going on, madam?
“And I’m thinking, ‘Boy, this swing is really going good, some angel must be pushing it.’ “
As we all think when we’re just fuckin’ flying on a swingset. PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN, GABRIEL!
“And then I turned around and look and it’s a gorilla!”
“That’s funny! I love it!” said Steve.
Whoever is secretly putting weapons-grade ayahuasca and paint chips on this lady’s Lucky Charms, you should be ashamed of yourself.
“These are God’s pets.”
Guess God just puts any exotic animal He runs across in the back of the Land Rover. “Fuck, Yahweh, are you going to remember to feed this one?” says God’s wife Carla, like all the time probably.
“And then a big elephant, which I’ve ridden on before in the spirit.”
Love riding elephants in the spirit.
“And a cat, little kittens and dogs and whatnot.”
Heaven: It’s full of cat hair and scratching posts.
And also some dogs.
She went on:
“So Jesus and I climbed on the back of this giraffe.”
“Hoooo haa!” she added. Steve said, “Oh wow, you both climbed on, very cool!” because he is buying this.
“So Jesus is behind me and I’m in front …”
Rude Jesus, gonna make Donna be in the front. What’s next, Jesus gonna ride the giraffe’s handlebars and make Donna steer?
“and then the giraffe starts walking and brings us over to this hillside. Ho oh oh oh! [That’s what she said, she said “Ho oh oh oh!”]
“And there was a whole bunch of animals. And it went down into a valley and there was so many animals. I was like, ‘OH MY GOODNESS!’ Thousands and thousands and thousands.”
She really said “OH MY GOODNESS!” loudly, that’s how excited she was that Jesus had taken her on the back of a giraffe to see Siegfried and Roy’s Rainbow Bridge.
“And Jesus said to me, ‘You know, my kingdom is enormous. You think the earth is big? It’s a shadow of what my kingdom in heaven is like.’”
“Every animal that ever lived!” concluded Donna Rigney, in the exact timbre of a guest on SNL’s “Bronx Beat” sketch.
So this has been a really nice true story of a close encounter with Jesus and all his furry friends.
We would say you should probably go to DonnaRigney.org to find out how you can also ride giraffes bareback with our Lord, but you’re probably already there.
OPEN THREAD.
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@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
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