Matt Schlapp Goes In The Toilets

Something happened on the internet yesterday.

Matt Schlapp, the CPAC conservative fascist idiot who looks like two bad vintage Christian album covers had unprotected sex with each other and made a pudgy white-haired baby, wants you to know that he and other Kansans go in the toilet. Why? Well, he just wants you to know!

If you watch the video Schlapp was responding to, it was New York mayor Eric Adams, whom a lot of people extremely do not like, saying Kansas does not have a “brand.” It’s pretty clear to us he was being a dick. He said New York has a “brand.” Which is true! It has many brands! Right there in Times Square it has the Gap and the Disney Store and Sephora and Old Navy and H&M! Pretty sure there is even an Olive Garden up in there.

We kid New York, which does not need us to defend it or explain all the many wonderful brands it has outside of its tourist hellholes.

Meanwhile, Adams said Kansas does not have a “brand,” which is UH OH, WHO JUST THREW ALL THAT KANSAS CITY BBQ SAUCE AT THE NEW YORK MAYOR? YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!

Which is how a normal Kansas person might react to the New York mayor being a dick. They might invite him on a friendly trip to Kansas to learn about BBQ and whatever else they have in Kansas, we think it’s cows.

Oh, they’re BONKERS for abortion there, we almost forgot! Yes, a normal reaction would be a tour of Kansas abortion clinics and BBQ joints, a nice time would be had by all.

Instead, because white culture warriors are so fundamentally weird and unfit for human company, Schlapp responded to the mayor of New York that “‘We go in the toilets.” OK, buddy! Good job!

We guess maybe he was trying to make a joke that they pee on the streets in New York. And sure, there are some smelly parts of New York, but we really don’t think Kansas wants to get into a pissing contest (LOL) with a real big city over whose residents pee outside more.

Or maybe Matt Schlapp is so stupid he believes all those stories where a white Republican lawmaker knows a white pastor who heard about a teacher who lets their students be furries and use litterboxes in their classrooms.

And of course, because white culture warriors are so obsessed with scoring lib-owning points by punching trans children in the face, he said his bigoted garbage about “God creates boys and girls.”

And because he’s an idiot, he said guns are legal and murders are rare. Twitter replied:

And Twitter replied:

And oh lordy, Twitter replied:

“We go in the toilets and we believe God creates boys and girls and guns are legal and murders are rare.”

“Your turn Mr Mayor,” he added, confident in his Kansas potty-user rap battle victory, which we are pretty sure Kansas’s tourism board did not ask him to compete for.

But sure, sounds good, “Kansas: We Go In The Toilets.”

Put it on your license plates, y’all, it’s a winner.

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