JOE! JOE!! JOE!!!

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1. First of all, he’s not dropping out. Speculation about President Kamala Harris or Michelle Obama or Dolly Parton is moot! Unless he literally dies, he’s the nominee we’re getting. Time to sew up our spleen, put on our tightest corset, and wave fans at him like Travis Kelce at Tay. 

2. Joe Biden is not dead yet! Wednesday he made calls with Democratic leaders all day and met with Democratic governors at night, insisting:

“Let me say this as clearly as I possibly can, as simply and straightforward as I can: I am running. No one is pushing me out. I’m not leaving. I’m in this race to the end, and we’re going to win.”

He also allegedly told them he needs more naps and not to schedule events after 8 p.m., if you believe the New York Times any more. So what? Take more naps and get in that self-care! Donald J. Trump took naps almost every single day of his felony trial. Make Kamala Harris the nighttime president, why not?

He’s got an interview with George Stephanopoulos airing on ABC Friday night at 8, and hopefully it’ll be a tour de force on how he may be 81, but our democracy is currently being buried alive in a Costco coffin, he’s gonna use his new powers to clean up that corrupt-ass court like yesterday, and maybe the guy who should drop out of the race is the one who called Jeffrey Epstein so many times and is mentioned all over Epstein documents, and committed all those other crimes we know about, what with the documents in the guest shitter and so on.

3. Replacing Biden would be chaos, with delegates in disarray, and Heritage Foundation fucks suing to keep Biden on the ballot in places like Wisconsin, Nevada, and Georgia, so they can scream “BIDEN is FRAUDULENTLY on the ballot!” at the same time. And with this Supreme Court, it doesn’t even matter if those creeps have actual standing, because nothing matters to six certain judges except installing rightwing government and running Project 2025. As Kamala Harris told Rolling Stone, “Confusion and uncertainty create an environment that is ripe for predatory behaviors. Predatory behaviors that exist because of misinformation, disinformation, and attempts to confuse people into not knowing their rights.” Any confusion is inviting trouble.

Yes, Joe Biden is aging, and all that comes with that. But he’s who we’ve got, come what may, tomorrow. And not just him, but his platform, like NOT wanting to see Liz Cheney beheaded on Constitution Avenue. And his Cabinet! It is not too late to GET THEM OUT THERE TALKING!

4. There is still time for Democrats to show up and out for this guy, and for Biden to make a positive impression! Free hugs from Wes Moore! Get back on on the TikToks, Kamala Harris! Where is the party meme machine? 

Time to make executive orders that excite people more than airline fees! Make Kamala Harris the head of the SCOTUS Corruption Task Force. And … some other ones. No, Joe Biden probably isn’t going to executive order-fire Thomas and Alito from the Supreme Court, stop saying crazy shit. But let’s take those remaining student loans, put em in a bonfire, and be legends! 

5. Trump is old too. Biden is aging, but so is Trump, and one of those guys has been stuffing his maw with hamberders and never ridden a bike in his life. As hard as we fixate on the horror that would come with a Biden stroke or funeral, we could be daydreaming about Trump dropping dead with no named vice presidential candidate, and that chaos. So why prematurely weaken one’s position by switching nags mid-stream?

Most people don’t vote at all. Maybe they don’t give enough of a shit, and take everything for granted like teenagers on summer break believing that the refrigerator stocks itself. Or they don’t believe that it really makes a difference. Or they’re simply huge idiots, like this Matthew Walther guy. And most people do not want to live in a country where smog chokes the air, birth control is illegal, pregnant women die of sepsis, Aunt Lydia runs the library, and enemies of the state get dragged away and executed. America is going out of business, and on sale now is perhaps the last chance to vote in a free or fair election ever. Is there really no way to get those millions of nonvoting fellow citizens some kind of message? 

We have to believe we can figure out a way! Joe Biden is the candidate, and everything is at stake, here. 

[NBC/ New York Mag/ Rolling Stone/ New York Times]

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