Joe​ Biden Ruins War On Christmas For Fox News

This silliest of seasons is here at last! Ever year at this time, Fox News begins its whine-soaked coverage of the imaginary War on Christmas. The metaphorical shots are fired as soon as a retail employee says “Happy Holidays!” at 4 a.m. on Black Friday or Starbucks serves coffee out of red-and-green cups without overtly wintry designs and inspirational quotes. Nothing is too small to blow out of proportion! Somewhere, there’s a gender non-conforming Santa who’s a bit too jolly for “Fox & Friends.” Let’s not forget all the ways Black people ruin Christmas with our Marxist protests and R&B Santas.

WAR ON CHRISTMAS PAST:

Fox News Presents Holiday Classic ‘How The Black Lives Matter Stole Christmas’

‘Fox & Friends’ So Mad Liberals Murdering Baby Jesus Again, ON HIS BIRTHDAY

Seems Like The War On Christmas Starts Earlier Every Year!

Fox News’ Megyn Kelly OK With Inclusiveness But Santa And Jesus Are Definitely White

This year, though, they seem off their tiresome game. Maybe it’s the lump of coal Santa left them instead of a Republican Red Wave. Regardless, the less-pleasant Grinches at Fox News are now complaining that President Joe Biden is too full of the Christmas spirit.

Monday, Laura Ingraham, the ghost of segregated Christmases past,
said the Bidens had “jumped the gun on Christmas” by having the White House tree delivered before Thanksgiving. This was the same day as Fox News’s own “all-American Christmas tree lighting.” (There’s rarely anything about tree lighting to justify the jingoism. It’s not as if the ornaments are made from recycled Bud Light cans.)

This isn’t a Biden quirk, though. The White House tree is always delivered before Thanksgiving, so the enslaved elves Democrats smuggle into the country can decorate it over the holiday weekend.

Still, Ingraham and failed insult comic Raymond Arroyo insisted we all take a breath between seasons before decking the halls. Look, Thanksgiving is not a real holiday. It’s just a meal. It doesn’t even have a good song. Thanksgiving is better off accepting its rightful place as a wholly owned subsidiary of Christmas.

Fox News didn’t exactly let viewers savor Thanksgiving, either. Monday,
Biden pardoned two turkeys, Chocolate and Chip, while successfully executing some post-midterm humor: “The votes are in,” he proclaimed. “They’ve been counted and verified, no ballot stuffing, no fowl play. The only red wave this season is going to be if German Shepherd Commander knocks over the cranberry sauce.”

However, the Fox News coverage of this event reminded everyone that Thanksgiving prices are up, and don’t you dare blame their buddy Vladimir Putin. It’s so bad, the president doesn’t need to pardon turkeys. They could probably skate through the holidays unharmed while Americans settle for pizza topped with slices of deli turkey.

After bashing the Obamas for their supposed communist Christmas ornaments, Fox News spent four years pretending the Trumps were a normal holiday-loving first family. The former not-quite first lady Melania Trump committed to her annual holiday decoration task like it was court ordered community service. I could never tell if her nightmare creations were an act of spite or true artistic expression. It’s often a thin line.

PREVIOUSLY:

Welcome To Melania’s Final Christmas Hellhouse Of Spooky Frights!

Jill Biden Christmas Decorations Not Even Hellhouse Like Melania’s, What Is Happening

And who could forget Melania Trump’s up yours, Christmas rant that her former bestie Stephanie Winston Wolkoff recorded on the sneak?

TRUMP: They say I’m complicit. I’m the same, like him, I support him, I don’t say enough, I don’t do enough, where I am. I’m working like a — my ass off Christmas stuff, that, you know, who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff and decoration? But I need to do it, right? Correct?

WOLKOFF: One hundred percent. You have no choice.

If there is a War on Christmas, Melanie Trump was obviously a draftee, desperately seeking an escape to Canada.

Dr. Jill Biden’s decorations were more traditional and less like the end of The Shining. Yet, Fox News was unified in declaring Dr. Biden’s decorations a “Holiday Bummer,” and complained that mainstream media gushed over her efforts while mocking poor Melania’s Jack Skellington tributes.

Fortunately for the folks at Fox News, they don’t have to worry about internal consistency. They’ll come up with some reason why Joe Biden ruined Christmas for everyone.

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