I, Clarence Thomas Do Nazi Why My Friendship With A Billionaire Is Anyone’s Business

First, I wish to thank the Chief Justice for allowing me to read this statement before we hear arguments in the case of Texas v. A Bunch of Trollops Demanding Bodily Autonomy. We all know how that one’s going to come out anyway. So enjoy your extra ten minutes of legal abortion, ladies.

My fellow Americans, serious allegations have been raised about my friendship with real-estate billionaire Harlan Crow. Many people have alleged that there was something improper about a Justice of the Supreme Court gadding about the planet on luxury vacations on a billionaire’s dime, or that billionaire buying the justice’s childhood home from his family while his family continues to live there, for possibly above market value, just because that justice’s rulings in some cases would benefit that billionaire’s interests.

This is slanderous. As I have previously stated, Harlan and his wife Kathy are simply dear friends of myself and my wife Ginni, and have been our dear friends since several years after I became one of the nation’s most powerful people. We have, as couples sometimes do, vacationed on Harlan’s private yacht and at his private club together, had dinners at Harlan’s estate attended to by Harlan’s many servants together, smoked cigars under the redwoods at exclusive California resorts together.

And as couples often do, we have occasionally exchanged gifts. For example, the Crows once gifted us a Book of the Month Club subscription. Ginni and I enjoy reading, and we enjoy receiving a copy of the latest Lucy Foley novel in the mail and reading aloud to each other while we make pasta on our high-end pasta maker, which Harlan and Kathy also generously gave us one year as an anniversary gift.

Yes, we do this in our kitchen that they paid to remodel, but that was a private gift between friends. I hardly see how it is any of the public’s business.

For another example, many of you have seen this picture of Ginni and myself seemingly enjoying an expensive bottle of wine at what looks like a very nice resort. First, I want to assure you that there was a Wal-mart with a generously-sized parking lot very close by.

Second, I want to assure everyone that this was not, as some have speculated, some extravagantly expensive bottle of wine. It was not some $10,000 bottle of Domaine Leroy Richebourg Grand Cru gifted to us by a billionaire as we relaxed at his private estate. It was a perfectly respectable Republican bottle of Échézeaux Grand Cru, which sells for only around $3,500, which we were drinking to celebrate Ginni’s new six-figure job at a conservative lobbying group funded by Harlan Crow.

Harlan Crow did not just gift us that expensive wine, is what I’m saying. We did have to do some work for him to afford it.

I will admit, I did find the his-and-his monogrammed towels Harlan gave me for Christmas one year a little much. But they are made of a very luxurious, rare cotton imported from a plantation in Sumatra, and the way the HC + CT are intertwined is very clever. When I’m drying my face with one after applying the shea butter that Harlan sends me from his private shea tree estate in Guinea Bissau, I like to imagine he’s at that moment also drying his face with his matching towel. My goodness, my pores have never felt so fresh and clean.

So you see, we are the same as any other ordinary Americans, hosting the Crows for barbecues at our Virginia home, grilling food on the $36,000 Kalamazoo Gaucho grill Harlan and Kathy gave me for my 60^th birthday. Though often they will fly Guy Fieri in to do the grilling, since I don’t know any more about grilling than I do about human reproduction. It’s a very funny in-joke between us couples, one we will often repeat while laughing and giving bemused shakes of our heads, just like any other couple friends.

Again, I fail to see how any of this is in any way the public’s business.

Now, some people, mostly the media and watchdog groups, have raised the issue of the superyacht. Again, there is no untowardness here. Once while enjoying a private cruise around the Mamanuca Islands in the South Pacific, Ginni and I had simply remarked how much we admired Harlan’s luxurious 175-foot superyacht with its pool and its private chef and its well-appointed staterooms designed by Martyn Lawrence Bullard.

So, being the generous friend that he is, the next time we saw Harlan, he gifted us with our own 175-foot luxurious superyacht, complete with a full crew and pool and private chef and well-appointed staterooms designed by Martyn Lawrence Bullard! Sometimes we will take our superyachts out on the ocean and our crews will race them while Harlan and I stand on the respective bridges and shout “vroom vroom” into the radio.

We feel so blessed to have his friendship in our lives.

Many of you have questioned why I never disclosed any of this generosity in my annual disclosure forms, as required by a metric boatload – no pun intended – of ethical and legal rules for public servants.

The truth is that I did ask Chief Justice William Rehnquist once, right after I joined the Court thirty years ago, if all the gifts given to me by super-wealthy Republican donors had to be disclosed in order for the public to maintain their faith that we are an impartial jury ruling without favor for what we believe is in the public interest. It is my belief that his subsequent laughing fit caused the anaplastic thyroid cancer that eventually killed him. So, out of a sense of duty and loyalty to America, I never again risked another justice’s life by asking such questions.

If you look at it that way, I have in a sense sacrificed for my country, not that I expect any of you vultures to appreciate it.

Note: These itemized gifts are fake. Harlan Crow did not give Clarence Thomas his own superyacht THAT WE KNOW OF. No need to “open up the libel laws” on our account, CLARENCE.

[ProPublica]

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