A few weeks ago our dad, who was out of town, asked us to stop by the dry cleaners and pick up some shirts he’d left there. Being a dutiful child, we did so, paying the dry cleaner the 15 bucks or whatever it was to have like three shirts washed and pressed. When he came back to town, Dad paid back the 15 bucks, and everyone continued living their lives.
You have probably done something similar for a parent a gazillion times, and they for you. Does this make your finances “interwoven”? Is there something sinister about us “fronting” the 15 bucks it cost to free Dad’s shirts from the nice immigrant dry cleaner up the street? Of course there is not.
But then, we are not Hunter Biden, our dad is not Joe Biden, and the people asking us … er, him about this kind of crap in a congressional hearing on Thursday are Republicans who are doing their best impression of people tied to their old phones in those current T-Mobile commercials.
THIS ONE! THIS CONGRESSIONAL HEARING!
Here, for example, is alleged child sex enthusiast Rep. Matt Gaetz, a man who in a more just world would hold a job that matches his talents and intellect, like picking up golf balls at a Sarasota driving range, trying to imply that there was something sinister about Joe Biden owing his son a few bucks and then paying it back:
A-HA! So then you admit that your business partner, who your own ex-wife said handled many of your affairs, occasionally did a few bookkeeping tasks for your father as well while he was very busy being the fucking Vice President of the United States and thus maybe too distracted to remember to pay his sanitation bill!
Can you believe the Republicans refused Hunter’s request to hold this hearing in public? Imagine the public outcry! Joe Biden would have had to resign the presidency before Matt Gaetz even finished his questions.
Gaetz was also very excited about a particular email because it had exclamation points, which are the universal way someone announces they are engaging in corruption:
GAETZ: Yeah. So the email reads, “You, me, we have to deal with this now, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. I’m not kidding. They, Joe, have the Buccinis being called by your landlord. It get much more outrageous. You have to let me in to help. I’m with you a hundred percent.” Does that ring a bell?
The email was allegedly from James Biden, Hunter’s uncle and occasional business partner, and Gaetz really, really wanted it to be something bad.
We have it on good authority that Matt Gaetz’s classmates at the William and Mary Law School referred to themselves as “The Matt Haetz Society.” Because he’s such an unrepentant asshole.
Then there was old Harriet “Crazy Eyes” Hageman, the Wyoming lunatic who makes us long for the relative competence of her predecessor, Liz Cheney:
HAGEMAN: I have a couple of questions I would like to go over with you, and they’re going to be some of them that are sensitive. I’m not asking you these questions to embarrass you or cause you any heartache. I’m asking questions because I think that the timeline that we’re dealing with here is very, very important.
Literally like five seconds later:
HAGEMAN: You also stated, I believe in your book, that you had a raging crack cocaine addiction during the same period of time that you were working for those companies, from 2003 to 2019. Is that also correct?
I don’t mean to embarrass you, Mr. Biden, but I demand you discuss in this roomful of people who hate you your raging, decade-and-a-half addiction to a drug that society codes as being the exclusive domain of homeless whores and ghetto reprobates.
HAGEMAN: Well, but I would like you to focus on answering my questions. So, in terms of what we have seen with some of the photographs, the information from the laptop, the information from your book, I would say that I don’t believe that that represents someone who would be responsible and considered a professional for handling multimillion-dollar international deals focused on corporate governance. Would you agree with that?
BIDEN: Again, I think that addiction is a very difficult thing to be able to define. I think that there are moments in time where you could be fully competent. I think that there are a lot of people around this room who suffer from alcoholism that are still in this room and that they’re still functioning.
Then there is a lot of back-and-forth in which Hageman refuses to let Hunter Biden explain that a lengthy addiction is not a straight line, but rather a long series of successes and relapses that often allow a person to be a high-functioning international deal-maker and a hateful degenerate at the same time.
Please. That was exactly where you were going with that question, so you could insinuate there was something suspicious about Burisma continuing to employ a crackhead and that they only did this as a personal favor to Joe Biden. Also bribery something something.
HAGEMAN: During the period of time that you were working for Burisma was also the time that coincided with your father being Vice President of the United States, correct?
So far, we have learned that Joe Biden was Vice President and his son was a hustling businessman with a drug addiction. It’s not exactly the Watergate hearings.
HER. THIS ONE.
Also, Hunter Biden once made a phone call while he was overseas. The call may or may not have been to Washington DC. Where his entire fucking family lived at the time. But for Rep. Andy Biggs of Arizona, this is sinister. Sure, Hunter could have been calling his kids to say good night before they went to bed. OR HE COULD HAVE BEEN CALLING HIS PUPPETMASTER JOE BIDEN TO LAUGH AND LAUGH ABOUT ALL THE CORRUPTION THEY WERE DOING.
Again, this should have been on national TV. This is scintillating stuff, surely the unemployed and housebound of America could have gone without an episode or two of “The Wendy Williams Show” for this.
This is like when Facebook tells you it’s the anniversary of the day 10 years ago that you posted some weird status update, and you read it and have no idea what it means. Imagine if you had to do that with dozens of status updates, only you’re in a congressional hearing room and the GOP’s Feral Otter Caucus is demanding you give an innocent explanation for whatever the hell you were talking about, all while accusing you of being an incompetent drug addict, and any answer you give you know they are going to march out of the room to the nearest TV camera and lie about anyway.
On the other hand, every minute the House GOP spends on this garbage is a minute they aren’t fucking up something really important, so win-win for the country, we guess.
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