How To BIFF! A Guide! – by Sara Benincasa

As we are in A General Election Year, it seems appropriate to provide a review of a book dedicated to helping you deal with assholes, no? Let us dive into BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns (Wonkette cut link) by social worker and attorney Bill Eddy.

While I am terribly sorry this column is not about Biff Howard Tannen of Hill Valley, CA, it is about a book that teaches a technique for written communications with persons LIKE Biff Tannen (also, while there was a fun rumor that this character was based on our worst future president, it is apparently not actually true). [Editrix’s note: Since Sara provides no source for her scurrilous allegation that Biff Tannen is NOT Donald Trump we should all continue to know that he is.]

I think standing up to bullies is an excellent thing, and sometimes you just need to be the bigger, scarier coyote. But sometimes trying to out-jerk the jerk is simply impossible. It can also be unwise and unsafe.

You’re smart enough to be a Wonkette subscriber (you do subscribe, don’t you? DON’T YOU?) I trust you to decide when to BIFF it up and when to unleash a verbal donkey kick on somebody. (EMOTIONALLY NOT LITERALLY. We are kicking BRAINTAINTS ONLY.)

Your mileage WILL vary, but it’s good to have another tool in the toolkit.

So what the hell is a BIFF? It’s a statement designed to be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. The concept was created by Bill Eddy, who teaches at Pepperdine University in sunny Malibu and the University of Newcastle Law School in sunny Australia. Since Eddy spent 15 years representing clients in family court, he got an on-the-job education in just how gnarled and complex custody cases can become.

A BIFF Response isn’t only useful when dealing with a divorce, however. It’s helpful whenever you’ve got to communicate with somebody who seemingly loves to create chaos and disorder in the world. Eddy stresses that he doesn’t seek to diagnose anybody with a personality disorder. He’s also clear that this method is useful with folks who are probably perfectly chill in many areas of life but are getting real ornery and nasty with you over something specific.

Bear in mind that THIS IS JUST INTENDED FOR WRITTEN COMMUNICATIONS. As for oral stuff (heh heh, yeah!) you’ll have to find another technique (heh heh, hell yeah!).

I have invented one stupid example to illustrate Eddy’s ideas.

Let’s say you get this email from a neighbor:

Dear Durga and Felipe: Stop fucking putting your fucking trash cans near my fucking property line. The trash blows out of them on windy days and gets on my lawn. I will sue you if you keep doing this. It stresses my Pomeranian out. I know you are doing it because you don’t want me to win the Midwinter Front Yard Cabbage Labyrinth Contest again. And I’m so nice to your daughter and she plays so well with my daughter. I don’t know where she got her lovely manners, because you two are trash. – Patti Lou

First, Eddy suggests you decide if the email is in fact worthy of a response. Personally, I would want to fire off another email telling her to fuck off to the pit from which she was summoned, and to allow some of the other living demons to take their turn making life miserable for nice people on the block.

However, let’s imagine your daughter does indeed have a lovely time with her daughter, and that Patti Lou treats your child with dignity and respect (weirdly, some adults who are horrible to other grown-ups are very kind to children, probably because of the power differential, but whatever, that’s another book I’m sure).

Let’s also imagine you and your partner genuinely like Patti Lou’s spouse, child, and even that Pomeranian. And, I don’t know, let’s say you’ve got some other reason to be polite to this maniac, possibly related to cabbages. Maybe she’s very generous with her organic garden surplus in the summer. Maybe she’s the first person to bring over a very good chicken pot pie when somebody is grieving. Maybe she’s actually your landlady and you don’t have enough money to move yet. I INVENTED HER AND NOW I CANNOT CONTROL HER, OKAY? THIS IS JUST A STUPID EXAMPLE OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE.

If indeed you feel this email merits a response, let’s use the BIFF method.

Dear Patti Lou: Thank you for emailing us about the trash problem. We had not realized it was happening, and are very sorry it has affected you negatively. We have purchased some clips to keep the trash lids on, and we will be sure to keep the cans right outside our own driveway from now on. Thank you for your kind words about our daughter. She really enjoys playing at your house. Best wishes, Durga and Felipe

Was it brief? Yes, just a paragraph. Eddy says that’s wise.

Was it informative? Yes, you told Patti Lou exactly what you would do to fix the problem.

Was it friendly? Yes, you were very gracious without giving her unnecessary compliments or pouring on the syrupy sweetness, which might just aggravate this unreasonable person further.

Was it firm? Not really, but it was clear and concise.

In the short term, calling Patti Lou a fuckstick from the Planet Twigbrain would’ve been loads of fun. But it likely would’ve poured fuel on the fire, inviting a barrage of emails, phone calls, texts, and more. If you get off on that kind of thing, hell, game on! But probably you want to be able to live in peace, at least until you can afford to move.

If this BIFF response mollifies her and makes your life better, good. If not, and she keeps harassing you, you’ve got evidence that you have only behaved politely and kindly, while she is vituperative. Such evidence may prove useful to you in future.

If you really need to feel better, you can absolutely find a way to ruin her chances at cabbage contest supremacy, so long as she never finds out.

Eddy says that since this type of person generally wants a reaction, they will likely grow tired of poking at you when they don’t get the “reward” of you freaking out on them. This reminds me of the grey rock method, in which one seeks to become as neutral and boring as possible in order to starve a high-conflict individual of their favorite snack (your energy and attention).

Anyway, I liked the book and found it helpful. It provides an alternative to telling somebody to go kick rocks, although telling somebody to go kick rocks can be healthy, and so can cutting somebody off completely! Context is key. Your gut will know what to do (this may involve taking a dump on her cabbages, something I would neeeeeever encourage, obviously.)

I hope you never have to deal with anybody shitty enough to require the employment of this tactic, and I wish you a most glorious day.

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