John Cena, according to his Wikipedia page, is “widely regarded as one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time.” I couldn’t tell you much more about him, largely because I don’t care about wrestling and have never seen any of the movies he’s been in. However, judging by the bit he did at the Oscars last night, he seems like a nice enough guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously.
To some other people, however, he seemed more like a guy who was auditioning for the illuminati.
If you missed the show last night, Cena, who presented the award for Best Costume Design, did an homage to the 50th anniversary of the time artist, gallery owner and future murder victim Robert Opel interrupted host David Niven’s introduction of Elizabeth Taylor by streaking across the stage, during the height of the 1974 streaking fad.
It was a cute bit and, may I say, not entirely unpleasant to watch.
But according to an unexpectedly large amount of people, the bit was part of a “satanic humiliation ritual” whereby famous people publicly humiliate themselves in order to join the illuminati or the masons or some other evil satanic group they imagine is out here trying to control the world.
“No surprise that John Cena is walking on stage naked at the Oscars during prime time TV that children are most likely watching,” wrote noted Pizzagate idiot Liz Crokin, as well as a bunch of other aspiring social media conspiracy theorists who copied her post verbatim. “This is not just a humiliation ritual — the Hollywood pedophiles, rapists and perverts are certainly getting off on this. I’m sure Jimmy Kimmel is as well!”
Crokin claimed that Slash accompanying Ryan Gosling during his “I’m Just Ken” number was also a “humiliation ritual.” Sure, because Slash was like “You know, I’ve only been one of the most famous guitarists of all time for almost four decades … it seems like it might be time for me to join the Illuminati and really get my career on track.”
“Congratulations on John Cena completing the initiation hazing, and becoming the newest member of the Illuminati!,” wrote some other weirdo.
“Hollywood humiliation ritual is so real man, this guy has been marketing children for a decade and now he’s dressing up as women in movies and embarrassing himself on live television,” said another.
I admittedly don’t know a lot about wrestling, but isn’t that about the same amount of naked that wrestlers usually are on national television?
Helpfully, one tweet from someone calling themselves “SubToOptimus,” included a whole ass diagram explaining the “ritual.”
“Jimmy Kimmel and the Illuminati put John Cena through an obvious satanic shaming ritual during the Oscars tonight. A blatantly sexual provocation for American men to remind you who the real wolves of society are. All the signs are right there – they don’t even try to hide it,” he wrote.
According to the diagram, the shadowy figures behind Kimmel and Cena are “Satanic references” and Jimmy Kimmel’s dress shoes signify “toes protected by status” while Cena is wearing sandals, or “open toes for sexual gratification.”
You know, because nothing is quite as sexually gratifying as a man in Birkenstocks.
It will shock you to know that accused sex-trafficker and professional misogynist Andrew Tate was also crying “humiliation ritual,” though he claimed that Cena was doing it for his “gay paymasters.”
“I want to make something clear,” he said. “I was saying this morning on Twitter how John Cena, yesterday at the Oscars, was doing his humiliation ritual to satisfy his gay paymasters, and everybody was saying ‘Oh maybe he’s just promoting the movie, maybe, maybe, maybe. Let me tell you something — I don’t care what movie I’m in, you could not convince me to do that. You could not convince me to do anything fruity or weird. It doesn’t matter what movie I’m in, because there’s no need, I could promote it other ways.”
To be clear, no one is asking Andrew Tate to be in any movies. At least not the kind of movies he would be invited to the Oscars to promote.
“I won’t do it! Because my principles are too strong,” he continued. “So to say he’s only promoting the movie is still agreeing with me. You’re saying he’s promoting his movie for money because he sold his soul to his gay paymasters.”
I must say, “present the award for Best Costume Design naked while holding a big envelope over your junk” seems like a pretty vanilla kink to me. Like, these people have all this money and that’s what they come up with? That’s what they go with, instead of something like, I don’t know … getting half naked and rolling around with other men on a mat? Which Andrew Tate also used to do for a living?
Also jumping on this bandwagon was noted plagiarizer Benny Johnson, who claimed that the bit was emblematic of “the degradation of men,” commenting “Weak men. Hard times.”
Yes, it sure is clear that John Cena, a very rich person who is presenting at the Oscars and has a new movie coming out, is going through a “hard time” right now. It’s very difficult these days to be a super hot man with millions and millions of dollars.
Either that or he has a sense of humor and is secure enough that he doesn’t what any of these people think?
To be fair, organized humiliation and degradation in exchange for money is a real thing in our society, but most of us just call that “capitalism.”
Not everything needs to involve capes and secret societies, though I am going to need to point out here that the only people out here forming weird, secret organizations of well-connected people hell-bent on controlling the world are “Bible-believing Christians.” And while organized humiliation and degradation in exchange for money is a real thing in our society, most of us just call that “capitalism.”
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