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Have you ever had a small child tell you a story, about something they saw or something that happened to them, or about a TV show or movie they like? We are coming to realize that may be the best comparison to what it’s like to watch Herschel Walker speak.
Except when Herschel starts telling parables about bull cum. Usually small kids don’t just walk up to you and start jabbering about bull cum.
Herschel Walker saw a weird movie the other night, everybody. Or at least he says he did. It’s possible this is just another one of his lies, an elaborate one. Maybe he didn’t watch the movie at all. Maybe he tried to buy an abortion that night and was nowhere near a television. Who knows?
But as you will see, this movie had a lesson in it, and not just about which is better, werewolves or vampires. It was a lesson about faith.
God bless SBNation for transcribing this, as we imagine it would have given us a brain aneurysm. That obviously means that if there are any mistakes, they are not our mistakes, but quite frankly, who the fuck could tell?
I was here watching a stupid movie late at night hoping it’s gonna get better it don’t get better but you keep watching anyway.
Yes?
Cause the other night, the other night I was watching this movie — I was watching this movie called Fright Night, Freak Night or some type of night but it was about vampires. I don’t know if you know but vampires are some cool people are they not?
Did you know vampires are some cool people? Yes, Herschel Walker, yes, they are!
But let me tell you something that I found out: a werewolf can kill a vampire did you know that? I never knew that.
Did you know a werewolf can kill a vampire did you know that? He never knew that.
So I don’t want to be a vampire anymore I wanna be a werewolf.
All these years Herschel Walker has spent wanting to be a vampire, when he should have been wanting to be a werewolf. What a waste. Oh well, guess he’ll have to wait until next Halloween.
But then anyway as I’m watching this movie and then you tell how stupid it is cause it’s one in the morning.
As they always say, only bad stupid movies happen after midnight.
By the way, snotty liberals on the internet are pointing out that Fright Night doesn’t have any werewolves in it. It could be another movie. Or he could be lying.
So I’m watching my TV of these kids watching their TV of a vampire killed on their TV.
Right.
So you know it’s kinda stupid, but I’m still watching though. As I’m watching this show what was funny was these kids had a vampire in their attic at their house. So they were watching their TV, now I’m watching my TV, they’re watching their TV, they see the vampire killed on their TV.
Whoa.
So they win this contest to bring this actor — now y’all gotta stay with me —
Trying!
bring this actor who’s a vampire killer from that TV to get rid of this [unintelligible]
God bless that moment in an internet writer’s life when they’re transcribing a Herschel Walker speech and they finally give up and write [unintelligible]. Been there.
vampire in their attic. So this actor comes into their home, he got all the right stuff. He got all the right stuff.
Alllllllll the right stuff.
Because you know, gotta have a stake, gotta have a thing to kill him in the heart. And he’s got a necklace of garlic, cause that work. I don’t know what it does but it work. Gotta have a cross, cause it burns, I know that works.
Herschel knows which things work to kill vampires, did you know them?
And then all of a sudden, this is what’s so funny about it: as they’re walking through the house, this, this guy’s got the holy water and he’s blessing the house, this actor now he’s all faith. He’s blessing the house with his holy water. He walked upstairs and this vampire looking real good in his black suit, whoa that sounds like Senator Warnock doesn’t it?
The vampire was wearing a nice suit, uh oh! Is Senator Warnock, the pastor of Martin Luther King Jr.’s church, a vampire? Ha ha, Herschel Walker made a joke.
Looking all good in his black suit. Floated from the ceiling , he floated from the ceiling looking good and cool.
As Senator Warnock The Vampire does.
And I’m thinking “Whoa, they better get out of that house.” If somebody float from your ceiling, get out of that house. That’s not your house.
Go! Get outta there! That is not your house!
But as he floated from the ceiling the kid jumped behind their hero, and they jumped behind their hero, the guy jumped in front of them with this holy water threw it on the vampire forehead, he covered his eyes. Then he took his hand away and started laughing. And he said “that don’t work.” He took the cross and put it on the vampire forehead and the vampire didn’t even do anything he said “that don’t work.” And that’s where it is in our life. It don’t even work unless you’ve got faith.
It don’t work. That’s where it is in our life. It don’t even work unless you’ve got faith. And that is where the story ends.
Did you like Herschel Walker’s story? Herschel Walker likes his story!
You want him tell you it again?
He’ll tell you it again, in case you missed some parts.
You ready him tell you it again?
OK!
Georgia, we know you will vote, but we are just saying please vote goddammit. As much as there is a sick side of us that wants to see what a Senate floor speech from this man would look like …
Nope, not worth it, just vote, goddammit.
[SBNation]
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