Here’s King Barack Obama Calling Michelle ‘Fine’ Like Some Guy Who Loves His Wife And Thinks She’s Hot

OK, we know you all want to talk about Hunter Biden’s laptop the death of Queen Elizabeth. And you may!

BUT U.S. AMERICAN WEBSITES ARE NOT REQUIRED TO CHANGE THEIR WHOLE ENTIRE SCHEDULES WHEN THE BRITISH MONARCH PASSES AWAY WHAT DID WE EVEN FIGHT THAT WAR FOR?

Seriously, though, we are in for 10 days of events relating to the death of Elizabeth and the ascension of Charles and the vivisepulture of whatever of her Corgis are left, allegedly. We are sure we will have many opportunities in the coming days to write things related to the goings-on of the royal family, especially as the American media interacts with world events. (Seriously, it’s 10 days! Take an afternoon to read this whole thing about everything that’s being set in motion right this very second by people more British than you are.) Afterward we shall be so enamored of our new King Charles that we will evermore write about nothing but the royal family and we will change our blog name to “The Daily Mail.”

But right now the king of America (SPEAK AMERICAN!) is Joe Biden and Barack Obama. (They serve together.) And yesterday, Joe Biden brought Barack Obama and Michelle Obama to the White House so they could all look at the Obamas’ portraits together, and Barack Obama summed up the true meaning of the moment when he thanked the portrait painter for capturing that Michelle, his wife of many years, is “fine.”

Yes, he sure as hell did embarrass his wife like that, and that is why he is the king.

Likewise, Obama was pissed — OK, he was fooling — when he said the person who made his painting, Robert McCurdy, refused to make his gray hairs go away or his ears smaller or his tan suit not treason.

Haha, “tan suit” joke.

Michelle Obama talked too! She thanked Barack Obama for being such a SPICY.

And then she got super-fuckin’-serious and you should watch every second of this.

“A girl like me, she was never supposed to be up there next to Jacqueline Kennedy and Dolley Madison. She was never supposed to live in this house, and she definitely wasn’t supposed to serve as first lady.”

No really, watch the whole thing.

She also talked about AHEM peaceful transitions of power, and how integral that is to our democracy. “And once our time is up, we move on. And all that remains in this hallowed place are our good efforts and these portraits, portraits that connect our history to the present day.”

One more video?

OK here’s one more, and it is a silly one. Here are the Obamas being very mad at the entire world for not naming any of their children “Barack” or “Michelle.”

As always, thank you to @Acyn for making all these videos so we could gently copy off their paper and turn it into a blog post.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to cut out of this post pretty fast because in case you haven’t heard THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND DIED.

It’s kind of what they call “breaking news,” no time to just sit around here watching Obama videos, OK?

OPEN THREAD.

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