Hello hello hello! We thought we’d never make it, but we’ve made it! Today, Donald Trump will be arraigned in a Manhattan courtroom, because he missed his opportunity to make the pilot turn right and take him to the cozy dog bed that’s been prepared for him in Moscow made entirely out of Vladimir Putin’s dirty underpants, in order that he might be surrounded by comforting smells.
We didn’t watch the news yesterday, apparently it was very “OJ Simpson white Bronco chase” following Trump’s travels from Mar-a-Lago to Manhattan. The internet has some good guides to what’s going to happen today.
Here’s what we know:
Trump’s appearance is at 2:15 p.m. Eastern.
There will be no handcuffs BOOOOOOO and no mug shot BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. At least that’s what Michael Isikoff says BOOOOOOO MICHAEL ISIKOFF HATE HIM. Just kidding he’s a good reporter. (NY Daily News is leaving open the possibility of a mugshot.)
Trump will be arraigned on 34 felony counts of falsification of business records, presumably all related to his porn peener payoffs with Stormy Daniels. We imagine we’ll see the unsealed indictment at some point today and start reading all the dirty details for ourselves.
There are no misdemeanors. Just felonies. DA Alvin Bragg bumped ’em all up to Class E felonies, which are the lowest kind of felonies, “on the grounds that the conduct was intended to conceal another underlying crime,” per Isikoff.
Trump will be executed at 6:00 p.m. Eastern, according to the terms of New York state law and the prophecies of the King James Bible.
Let’s see how he’s been reacting on Truth Social. Like a fearless grown-up, we imagine.
Hahahahahaha just kidding about that thing two sentences ago about the execution.
Anyway, Truth Social.
“Truth” Number One:
Wow! District Attorney Bragg just illegally LEAKED the various points, and complete information, on the pathetic Indictment against me. I know the reporter and so, unfortunately, does he. This means that he MUST BE IMMEDIATELY INDICTED. Now, if he wants to really clean up his reputation, he will do the honorable thing and, as District Attorney, INDICT HIMSELF. He will go down in Judicial history, and his Trump Hating wife will be, I am sure, very proud of him!
Oh hell yeah, right on, Alvin Bragg needs to indict himself. He leaked the complete information (he did not, otherwise you’d be reading it right here). Telling reporters what Donald Trump is going to be indicted for is the real crime (it is not). Alvin Bragg’s Trump Hating wife will be proud of him if he indicts himself.
You bet.
“Truth” Number Two:
D.A. BRAGG JUST ILLEGALLY LEAKED THE 33 points of Indictment. There are no changes or surprises from those he leaked days ago directly out of the Grand Jury. No Crime by Trump. What a MESS. Bragg should resign, NOW!
“The 33 points of indictment.” George H. Dubya Poppy Bush had the thousand points of light, Donald Trump has the 33 points of indictment, which all apparently say “No Crime by Trump.” What a MESS this is. Bragg should resign, NOW!
Saith Wonkette!
“Truth” Number Three:
Speaking of LEAKS, Special “Prosecutor” Jack Smith (What did his name used to be?) leaked massive amounts of information to The Washington ComPost. This is illegal, and I assume this Radical Left Lunatic, much to the chagrin of his Trump Hating wife and family, will be PROSECUTED? He is a totally biased Thug who should be let loose on the Biden Documents hidden in Chinatown, and the 1,850 BOXES secretly stored in Delaware, which Biden REFUSES to give up. Biden is guilty of Obstruction, I am not!
That’s right, what did his name USED TO BE? (It’s been Jack Smith since high school, but maybe Trump knows something about his fifth grade escapades that we don’t.)
Cool to hear he also has a Trump Hating wife. Maybe when this is all over he and Bragg can get together and their Trump Hating wives can be like “ARRRRRGH TRUMP!” together.
Something something Biden Documents hidden in Chinatown and the Secret of the 1,850 Boxes. Sounds like a Nancy Drew mystery for the ages.
Here’s a bonus from earlier in the day yesterday:
Well that’s on brand.
Go to prison until the end of fucking forever, dude.
It’s morning in America, etc.
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