Greetings, befouled fascist fuck-midgets of Wonkette! It is I, your great friend Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, back to make talk with you. “What???” you are saying. “But Vladimir Vladimirovich, it has only been one month since last you spoke to Wonkette. What have we done? If we were in Russia, would not so much attention from you cause us to flee country as fast as our stubby fuck-midget legs can take us?”
To which Vladimir can say, da, if you get this much attention from me in Mother Russia, you would be booking flight to Tbilisi or Ankara or Antarctic research station quicker than you can say, “This vodka tastes funny, what’s in it, a toxic nerve agent” before passing out in giant puddle of diarrhea.
Sorry! Very sorry for such crude imagery, Wonkette! Is very strained time here in Moscow, which means very strained time for Vladimir. Ukrainian Nazis refuse to surrender to mighty Russian military, even though military has been generously fleeing conquered Ukraine territory as fast as terrified under-equipped soldiers can stumble away from it. Russian civilians called up to do patriotic duty of dying in special military operation refuse to go, no matter how much security services beat them. And Paramount will not even let us see Sonic the Hedgehog sequel. Russia is very big fan of Jim Carrey. You see Ace Ventura? Man talk through ass cheeks! Great stuff! Let us see phony president Zelensky do that.
Ah, such tsuris Vladimir has! Even success of Russian hurricane machine in destroying dingus American state of Florida cannot cheer Vladimir up.
Whoops, did I say hurricane machine? Is no such thing. Vladimir make tiny joke. Why would I want to destroy Florida? Many of my friends park mistresses and ill-gotten money in real estate there. You heard nothing!
But let us get down to, how do you say, brass tacks. Today I have announced that four territories of Ukraine have happily returned to their natural home of Russia. Yes, is true! The people of Luhansk, Donetsk, Zaporozhia and Kherson have voted in referendums that they are very happy glorious Russian military has liberated them from Nazi regime in Kiev. Look at smiling joyful faces! Such joy Russia has brought to them!
Yes, there are reports that many people only voted because Russian soldiers dropped by their houses and pointed guns at them until they filled in ballots. Pish-posh! First, guns were on safety almost whole time. Second, is much more convenient for voters. Why go out to cast ballot when security team from government can bring ballot to you?
You have your own election controversies in America, da? With George Soros and wily Italian intelligence services with super-powerful satellites manipulating voting machines from low earth orbit? Imagine if, say, glorious patriot Oath Keepers brought ballot to house and watched you fill it out instead. No concerns about long lines or machine not reading vote correctly or accidentally voting for Democrat, because paramilitaries are right there to help you fill ballot out properly!
Perhaps you weirdo American sex gnomes of Wonkette have been too busy perverting your children with books about homosexual squirrels or the men who think they are the women and such to watch Vladimir’s speech. So please allow Vladimir to sum up, because is very simple history.
First, many countries invite benevolent Soviet Union to take over. Then, Americans wage war on Soviet Union with Big Macs and Adidas tracksuits and terrible Michael Crichton novels. Then Soviet Union collapse in greatest tragedy since asteroid vaporized all the dinosaurs. Then Satanism and Western colonialism and yadda yadda yadda. Then something about Facebook.
And then, then, Mother Russia benevolently refuses to use nuclear weapons — yet! — even though Americans already used them in 1945. And everyone is happy! For minute.
Or something like that. To be honest, Vladimir was sort of, how you say, winging it? He had big breakfast, was not sitting well.
Anyway, now that Russia has taken back our territories — excuse please, now that glorious brothers and sisters have voted under no duress at all to rejoin the Motherland — it is time for Ukraine Nazis to surrender now that we have them on the run. Yes, it looks like they have us on run. But it is us who have them on the run, chasing us by running. In the end, is that not Russia winning?
So! Please tell your President Biden and his lackeys that Vladimir has won and war is over and he can stop with the complaining and the sending of arms to Ukraine. You will do this, Wonkette! Or Vladimir will send another hurricane at you. This time maybe even to a state you like.
