Smirking chimp anus Pete Hegseth gets his turn in the confirmation barrel on Tuesday, when the Senate Armed Services Committee holds a hearing about whether or not the United States should put this (reportedly!) drunk bottle of hair gel in charge of the world’s largest bureaucracy, the Department of Defense, with its three million often heavily armed employees.
Considering that Hegseth’s previous management experience in any organization had him overseeing about as many people as Wonkette managed as a shift leader at Starbucks 30 years ago, the answer would seem to be an obvious, loud, giant, emphatic NO.
There are innumerable other clear reasons why Hegseth shouldn’t be in charge of anything larger than a tandem bicycle, which we won’t rehash here. (Though you can read some of the reasons here and here and here. And here. And don’t forget here.) But as befits the seriousness and size of the job, he is getting the same vetting that Cabinet nominees always get.
Ha ha ha, like hell he is. The FBI did produce a background check that as of Monday, had only been read by the Republican chair and Democratic ranking member of the SASC. Normally all the senators on the committee would get to read whatever goodies the FBI turned up on the nominee, but American government sped past normal several election cycles ago and is now light years beyond “more absurd than a Charles Ludlam play.”
Not to fear, however, because Punchbowl is ON IT:
Republicans on SASC who have been briefed say that the report is unremarkable. Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill.) told reporters on Friday that she doesn’t expect other senators will be permitted to read it before the hearing.
Tammy Duckworth also said that Hegseth has less management experience than a person running your average Applebee’s. Which is funny! Wonkette would like to offer our services to Senator Duckworth if she needs to craft some more zingers to spit out at the hearing. For an appropriate fee or a gift subscription to the Whiskey of the Week Club, of course.
But hey, if the Republicans who haven’t read the report but have only been briefed on it say it is “unremarkable,” that’s good enough for us! It’s not as if these guys have any reason to lie! And it’s not as if Republicans have ever short-armed an investigation on a controversial nominee for a high government position, cough cough Brett Kavanaugh cough.
Rebecca Traister has more at New York about just what a secretive shit-show the entire process of Hegseth’s nomination has been. For example, a nominee normally fills out questionnaires and other paperwork meant to turn up ethics and financial issues and conflicts of interest. Plus this:
Typically, a nominee meets first with the committee chair, then the ranking member from the minority party, then other members of the committee, before moving outward toward other important senators. Hegseth has done barely any of this.
Hegseth and his team have only just turned in those questionnaires a few days ago. If it seems like a red flag that Hegseth, despite all the resources at his disposal, needed two months to turn in this paperwork, and now Republicans seem to be rushing to confirm him while giving senators and their staffs almost no time to read through it, well, that’s because it is a red flag.
Part of the problem is Donald Trump, and the GOP’s complete subservience to that giant orange goober. One “moderate Republican” told Traister that he didn’t think Hegseth would get confirmed if the vote was a secret ballot. But it is not a secret ballot, and it has been made crystal clear to senators what will happen if they defy Trump and don’t give him every nominee he wants without delay:
In November, a senior Trump adviser told ABC News that the president’s message to Republican lawmakers was “If you are on the wrong side of the vote, you’re buying yourself a primary” and that “there’s a guy named Elon Musk who is going to finance it.” [Joni] Ernst’s receptivity to Hegseth came in the same days that Musk visited Capitol Hill with Vivek Ramaswamy and crowed about keeping “naughty” and “nice” lists of Republican lawmakers. “The Musk money, that’s real,” said one Senate aide, describing the bind that Republicans are in.
Ernst, the Republican senator from Iowa and actual combat veteran, was at first not shy about saying she had some serious concerns about Hegseth as secretary of Defense. Now she seems to have relented quite a bit based on absolutely nothing other than her own political survival instincts, and will have to eat the “shit sandwich” (another anonymous Republican’s brave words) that is voting in favor of Hegseth’s confirmation.
Some in MAGA world are celebrating that some Republicans told Punchbowl that Hegseth’s background check was “unremarkable.” Well, again, if those guys said it, by all means go ahead and start spiking the football, there’s absolutely no chance it might bounce back up and slam you in the dick.
Why anyone would be excited to see a slicked-back morning show host with a history of adultery and one credible rape accusation that we know of, phrases beloved by white supremacists tattooed on his body, and an alleged drinking problem put in charge of the world’s largest military is a) probably a question for that person’s therapist, and b) a sentence that we actually just wrote because it is true and not the description of a character in Catch-22.
Truthfully, we expect Hegseth to get confirmed, we expect to be embarrassed that he got confirmed, we expect to be embarrassed every time we see him talking to foreign military leaders as they try not to snicker, and we expect to be embarrassed every time he says something misogynistic, like he’s instituting a new policy where all female military members only get to work in the mess hall or something. But this is America in the age of Trump: a source of galactic and endless embarrassment.
Evan will be liveblogging the hearing tomorrow.
OPEN THREAD.
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