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Welcome to an advice column by me, Sara Benincasa, a person with opinions. This column will not diagnose or cure anything. Hopefully, reading it will entertain and comfort you. Send questions to saratoninnewsletter@gmail.com. If I use your question, I’ll revise some of it for length and to keep you anonymous.
Dear Sara,
I’m trying to decide whether our family should remain in our gorgeous, blessedly cheap, politically awful red county. Our kids are in middle school, and they love our beautiful rural landscape, as do I. But based on what I’ve heard and seen from a lot of locals, I am not excited about staying here. It was already conservative, but it’s only gotten worse since 2016. It feels like the hate isn’t hiding out of politeness anymore.
Sometimes the hate is cloaked as “Christian love,” which makes it worse because it’s such obvious hypocritical bullshit. There are some really horrible anti-gay, anti-trans crusaders out here.
My spouse and I grew up in places similar to this one. We turned out to be very nice godless liberals, despite being the weirdos in our towns. But the rhetoric from the local conservatives in power is so extreme. It was before the Tea Party and then The Orange Menace took over. Back then, having lawn signs about guns and God made you the kook.
My spouse and I know we were sheltered and somewhat ignorant, but it was different. I’m not trying to romanticize the John McCain or Bob Dole type of Republicans, as I know they got in bed with the Religious Right too, but they were a hell of a lot more reasonable than this newer batch.
Moving to a city or big town in our red state wouldn’t be like going to some lefty paradise. Our kids would still hear/encounter plenty of people with values contrary to what we teach them at home. But we would likely find far more people with whom we agree, as well as more to do in terms of the arts, festivals, block parties, etc. Our kids would be exposed to a least a little more diversity of religion, skin color, political affiliation, etc.
However, we own our home out here, and it’s expensive to move. In a bigger town or small city, we’d have to rent, unless we bought a true fixer-upper, which would be like another full-time job. We researched buying a place with an extra apartment we could rent out, but the margins would just be too tight.
I’m fortunate that I work from home, and that my spouse has skills that are easily transferable to a new location. I don’t love the idea of making my children be the new kids in school and say goodbye to their friends, but maybe in the long run, it’ll be for the best. What do you think? – Should I Stay or Should I Go Now
Dear SISOSIGN,
It sounds as if you’re in an extremist outpost, but you’re not looking to escape to the other extreme, either. That’s good, because you might find it suffocating in a different way. You want a creative, interesting, active community where various ideas and opinions are discussed. And you’re willing to give up the ol’ American Dream of home ownership in order to do it.
I commend you for considering this move. Home ownership is not worth your children’s mental, emotional, and physical suffering. If you stay where you are, I would have legitimate safety concerns for your kids as they grow up, and for their peers.
No place in this country is immune to hate, or to violence. And I’m not making assumptions about your kids or their friends. I don’t know them, and they’re only in middle school. But just as when I was growing up in a red county in the ‘90s, I am frightened for any queer kid who grows up in a community that gleefully and consistently attacks their rights.
It’s shitty to grow up a queer kid in an anti-queer family, of course. The trauma can be horribly damaging. But the community as a whole is a kind of parent, too. And even if you’re tormented at home, if you’re living in a place with an out and proud queer community, you have hope. You may even have options for help.
On the other hand: If you are bullied, harassed, and abused in a community that refuses to protect you, even if you are loved and supported in the home, you may not live to graduate. This is true for plenty of kids who fall into the Other category in an ultra-conservative white town.
Do you owe it to the other folks in your community to stay and fight, to try to make it better and more inclusive? I don’t think so. You’re investing in the community by being there, and you’ve been there long enough, and it sucks, and you’re over it.
Choose what will make you the most present, healthy parent possible. Your kids probably don’t want a parent who suffers under the crushing weight of the neighbors’ unchecked, poisonous, chosen idiocy for decades.
If you move, hold space for any feelings of resentment and fear, and find careful ways to introduce new experiences and new friends. I think your family will probably do great. Of course you understand that the kids may form opinions and make choices with which you don’t agree. But in a more ideologically diverse community, at least they’ll bear witness to other ways of moving in the world.
If you stay — which is totally reasonable, given the natural beauty, the comfort of your home, and plenty of other reasons — perhaps you cause some of the money you save to take your kids to visit other states and even other countries. Books, music, and other art forms can be teaching tools, too.
Only you know your appetite for change. Since I don’t know your full financial picture, much less other psychological and emotional elements, I just figured I’d offer a couple versions of a happier life for you and your family.
Your kids are fortunate to have parents who genuinely care about their state of mind, health, and well-being. You’ll find the right answer, and you don’t have to make the decision today. I think your gut will show you the way. Also, the Wonkette editrix, Rebecca, went through everything you are going through, and she invites you to listen to her ranting here and here. (She says listen to your gut … and GO.)
OPEN THREAD.
