There’s a renewed offensive among conservative white men to deny that global warming or climate change exist, because of these heatwaves currently setting everything on fire and killing everyone. Why do they have to deny these things exist? Because they’re mentally unwell. And they’re trolls. And they have no serviceable skills and if they didn’t dutifully read their lines, God knows who might cut off what funding. There’s kind of a wind-up toy aspect to all of it.
It’s more difficult for them to deny it during heatwaves, because it’s hard for them to ask their usual question: “WHAR’S YER GLOBAL WARMIN NOW, LIBTARDS?” They ask that when there are intense flooding, hurricane, or winter weather incidents that are indeed caused by climate change, yet harder to grasp inside the small brains of the average person who turns Fox News on at night and aimlessly grunts at the TV for three straight hours.
Cities all over the South and Southwest are breaking records for high temperatures. Texas and Oklahoma are really putting up some numbers: 115 in Wichita Falls, 110 in Oklahoma City, 108 in Amarillo. Yesterday’s record of 103 in Fayetteville, Arkansas, doesn’t even seem that crazy — to our southern mind at least — until you remember Fayetteville is a mountain town in northwest Arkansas and yes, actually, 103 is bugfuck for Fayetteville. These record-breaking heatwaves have been going on the whole summer, and it isn’t even August yet. As we all know, “August” is always when actual hell arrives.
Records are being broken all over the UK, with many places going above 100 or even 104. (That’s Fahrenheit, not the socialist “everybody gets a weather!” metric system used by the non-American foreigns.) Again, that’s unheard of.
Good thing Tucker is here to giggle like Snow White on meth and tell us nobody really believes in global warming.
TUCKER CARLSON: Here’s one of Barack Obama’s beachfront compounds. As you can see, it’s now underwater. But wait, it’s not underwater. Actually, it’s fine. And Obama knew it would be fine. In fact, Obama spent more than $10 million to buy it and that tells you how much he believes in global warming: not at all, it turns out. Actually, no one really believes in global warming and that’s why all the liberals in the United States live on the coasts, because they don’t believe it. That’s why many of them fly private, because the entire theory is absurd and they know it. So be more like a dog. Ignore what they say, watch what they do. Watch the real estate they buy, see if you can find Al Gore flying commercial ever. You can’t. Because the whole thing is a joke.
It’s all a joke because Barack Obama lives on the beach and flies on airplanes. People wouldn’t live on the beach if they really believed in global warming, because as we all know, the theorydoctrine RELIGIOUS CULT of global warming says that one day there will be a big surprise and the ocean will rise up and flood the entire earth and none of this will happen gradually and not even Obama will have time to reach higher ground, so if Obama really believed in it, he wouldn’t live there. Also Al Gore, because it’s still 1999 in these people’s minds. For reference, in 1999, Tucker Carlson was 30 years old. He is very obviously not that anymore.
We do like Tucker telling his viewers to be more dog-brained, because it’s an honest-to-goodness verbal explanation of what Fox News wants from its viewers. Surprised to hear Tucker just say it out loud like that.
And Now Newt Gingrich.
As we said, though, this is a renewed offensive and they’re all reading from the same script. Newt Gingrich went kind of bonkers debating Al Gore’s movie with his Metamucil hallucinations a couple nights ago. Again, it is 2022. Does Newt know what year it is? Does he even know which wife he’s currently leaving so she can spend more time with her cancer treatment? Does he need to find a policeman or a grownup?
Anyway, Newt was on the Laura Ingraham show, and he was railing about what the “elites” are doing. For those keeping track, Tucker and Newt Gingrich are not elites, they are men of the people drunk down at the Cracker Barrel off the side of the highway smelling like real American gasoline and trucker semen.
We’ll start with Ingraham:
INGRAHAM: Collective suicide, Newt, is that what we’re facing here? Do you notice they’re all reading from the same hymnal, here? Everyone’s saying the same thing, how can that be?
Yes, how can that be? How does it come to pass when suddenly everyone — like for instance the guests and hosts on Fox News — are reading from the same hymnal? It is a mystery wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in the dead skin that flakes off Rupert Murdoch’s pubic grundle and wafts its way onto all these people’s heads like a Christmas snowglobe.
So anyway, that’s some projection.
GINGRICH: Look, Laura, this is so fundamentally dishonest, that it’s crazy. If you go back all the way to Paul Ehrlich and the population bomb in the 1970s, the Left has consistently argued that we’re on the edge of a gigantic crisis. Ehrlich said, by 2000, Great Britain would be starving to death — totally false. Go back and take everything that Al Gore put in his movie, go through it step-by-step — it’s all a bunch of lies, it didn’t happen, it’s not true. The human race is not on the edge of collective suicide unless it’s by nuclear war. But we’re certainly not on the edge of collective suicide because of climate.
You know, unless we’ve actually fixed some of the problems we’ve had. If you want to read about why the Population Bomb didn’t go off, you have all the access to Google that Newt has and you won’t make up shit about it on Fox News after you’re done reading. Also we’re not going to debate whether Al Gore’s movie has come true, because we highly doubt Newt has seen it recently, or ever. It’s just one of those references that angrily bangs at wingnuts’ prostates and tells them what to hate, like “George Soros” or “drag queen story hour” or “education.”
GINGRICH: And I think the elites are so frenzied, they all go to the same cocktail parties, they all talk to each other, they all come to an agreement that they’re going to say this nonsense and going to reinforce each other.
That is exactly what we do at parties. It’s so fuckin’ fun. “Hey who wants to do shots?” “Everyone, obviously!” And then we all come to an agreement that we’re going to say climate change lies and reinforce each other and then we shoot Fireball.
Elite parties. Too bad you’re not invited.
GINGRICH: The truth is, it’s false.
Just as, by the way, the same elites were lying to us about COVID.
LOL, what’s the lie? Did the Fox News audience not spend the last two years burying brainwashed old unvaccinated white people? Are they all still in denial that they died of COVID? Or did otherwise healthy grandma and grandpa die hooked up to breathing machines at age 63 two weeks apart from each other because that was just the Lord’s plan for them?
Of course, we imagine folks like Newt probably did not experience all that much personal loss, as most of the Fox News host/contributor/executive set have quietly been vaccinating and boosting themselves this entire time.
So that was Newt.
And Now The ‘Fox & Friends’ Morons.
On “Fox & Friends” this week, host Brian Kilmeade affirmed that it is hot outside, but said it’s only because it’s summer. “Don’t panic. It is summer. You know, if it was December and this was happening, then I would say, this is a little weird.” Steve Doocy responded, “But never let a crisis go to waste. So if it’s really hot today, today would be a great day to talk about global climate change.”
Of course, that would suggest there is some sort of “crisis,” and didn’t Brian Kilmeade just say there is no crisis and didn’t Tucker just say Obama lives on the beach and didn’t Newt just say elites go to cocktail parties and snort cocaines from go-go boys’ buttcracks while they make up global warming COVID lies together?
And Now The Thing That Shows Up If For Some Reason Ben Shapiro Is Unable To Fulfill His Duties.
To tie up this post with a bow, here’s Ben Shapiro’s sidepiece Matt Walsh proving global warming isn’t real by remembering how there used to be an ozone layer problem and then suddenly there was no ozone layer problem, and nothing happened in between.
Must have been one of those elite cocktail parties, oh now we remember, it was in Montreal, it was a very sexy elite Montreal cocktail party.
And nobody ever said “ozone” again, because that was the agreement we all came to. An agreed-upon protocol, if you will. A Montreal Protocol.
These goddamned people, Jesus Christ.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!
Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!
