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If there’s one thing we’ve learned in the overnight since we found out the grand jury in Manhattan voted to indict Donald Trump, it is that we are going to have to pace ourselves with the schadenfreude and the laughing and the going through the “For You” tab on Twitter and replying “Cry more” to every MAGA idiot we see. We’ve likely got a TON of indictments coming from all kinds of places. We’re seeing reports that there could be as many as 34 counts just in this first one.
Breathe, everyone. Try to exercise different muscles when you see a Fox News asshole like Laura Ingraham saying the world won’t take America seriously anymore when we criticize Chinese and Russian human rights abuses, because we indicted Trump. Did you twist your right obliques laughing at Lindsey Graham almost breaking down sobbing on “Hannity” earlier in the night? Twist to the left for the Laura Ingraham thing!
What about when that one weirdo on “Hannity” said he was going to file a “civil rights lawsuit” against Alvin Bragg for “malicious prosecution” and all the MAGA morons grunted and roared in approval? Did you sprain your whole body laughing then? Do a child’s pose or something, for Christ’s sake! Don’t hurt yourself!
Anyway, we could spend a thousand hours scrolling through all the hilariousness and horribleness that happened on Fox News last night — Tucker deserves his own post, which is weird, since he hates Trump so “passionately” — but we are instead going to just briefly visit in this post with the two oldest Trump boys and see how they are feeling.
SPOILER, they are very upset.
Junior just happened to be going on his weird sniffy excitable podcast “Triggered” when he got the news, and oh fiddlesticks, oh boy. Know who was the “triggered” one? It was Junior.
This is “COMMUNIST LEVEL SHIT,” he yelped. He doesn’t like what the “Soros-backed Manhattan district attorney” is doing to his daddy! (They are all really turning the Soros antisemitism up to one million on this one. The two men have never met.)
“This is stuff that would make Mao, Stalin, Pol Pot, it would make them blush!” That’s right, he thinks Mao and Stalin and Pol Pot would blush at his dad getting indicted for doing illegal porn peener payoffs. That sure does sound like Mao and Stalin and Pol Pot.
Junior shook his hands around and made more faces like the one above, as he lied and said the “radical leftists of the Washington Post” agree that his daddy’s indictments are bogus. (Nobody has read his daddy’s indictments.)
He was just so devastated, you gotta watch.
So that’s awesome.
POP QUIZ: Who does Donald Trump love? It’s always been pretty clear that one answer to that question is “NOT JUNIOR.” Michael Cohen testified about it. Trump thinks his firstborn son is an absolute idiot with extremely poor judgment. It is painful to watch Junior grovel for his father’s love.
So that just makes this exponentially sadder. And funnier.
Anyway, let’s say hi to Eric,hiiiiiiiiii Eric, are you about to cryyyyyyyyy, Eric?
“At some point, the guy deserves a pass!” said Eric about Daddy. You might notice that is very different from saying “My father is an innocent man.”
Sean Hannity said Hillary Clinton got all the passes, for “33,000 deleted emails” and “dirty dossier.” Eric agreed. Hannity whined about “Hunter Biden” and “laptop” and then he apologized to Eric, second-born son of the martyr Donald. “Eric, my apologies. You and your family have been through a lot. This, to me, is a dual justice system. This, to me, is unequal justice under the law.”
What indeed is the world coming to when a rich white authoritarian loser can’t live-tweet himself committing gabillions of crimes without eventually getting indicted for something?
Here is Eric getting very emotional while he says antisemitic dogwhistles about George Soros:
Bless his heart, he should smile more.
You know, unless there’s just nothing to smile about, in which case guess he’ll just have to stay in Frown Town with his big brother, AWWWWWWW.
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