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Donald Trump is spectacularly mad about a Fake News, everyone.
It was reported earlier this week that because of That Thing That Happened — you know, when he had dinner with the literal Nazi and the other literal Nazi and oh my goodness, we imagine Wonkette will have some Updates On All That later today! — they would be beefing up security procedures at Mar-a-Lago and giving Trump a personal babysitter from the campaign to make sure bad things do not happen again.
You know how it is. You’re just hanging out at your south Florida trash palace pissing your pants about new special counsel, and before you know it, there’s all these Nazis at your poolside dinner table saying things like “Please pass the wall ketchup” and “Awwww, look at Eric in his floaties!”
Trump Gets Round-The-Clock Babysitters To Make Sure He Doesn’t Invite Any More Nazis To Dinner
Trump Seems Terrified Of New Special Counsel, Happy Holidays, MFer!
Kanye Goes Too Nazi For Alex Jones, So That Happened
Trump needs a babysitter, because he cannot possibly be trusted to make dinnertime decisions for himself. As he said on Fox News the other day, it’s a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t situation, deciding whether or not to have dinner with Kanye and pals. “If you see him, the fake news media will create a problem,” he said. “If you don’t see him, the fake news media will claim I’m a racist.” Yes, he’s worried the fake news will cancel him for racism, for refusing to dine with Kanye West.
But anyway, the point is that NONE OF THIS IS TRUE and WEAK AND DISCREDITED ASSOCIATED PRESS and FAKE NEWS.
He calmly explained on his LiveJournal:
The story in AP, written by the untalented and very unreliable Jill Colvin, who I unfortunately got to know at the White House, is Fake News. We have very strong security, especially with the extremely talented Secret Service Agents on premises, but when I know someone, as I did Ye, we’re not going to have my guests strip searched, thrown against walls, and otherwise physically beaten. The anonymous sources don’t exist. Stories to the contrary are FAKE NEWS!
You know, maybe we needn’t worry so much about Trump stealing America’s most closely guarded secrets.* His ability to comprehend the words he reads is so devastatingly poor. We have read the AP article several times, and at no point have we seen a suggestion that Nazis or other friends coming to Mar-a-Lago would be “strip searched, thrown against walls, and otherwise physically beaten.”
But anyway, FAKE NEWS. ALL OF IT. NO BABYSITTER, NO ANONYMOUS SOURCES, NO PHYSICALLY BEATING THE NAZI GUESTS!
Josh Dawsey has a note:
Babysitter must have gone outside to smoke.
As we finish writing this (on Thursday) news has just broken that Trump lost fucking BIGLY at the 11th Circuit, the Special Master review of his stolen documents will be halted, and the Justice Department’s investigation may continue unimpeded.
So y’all just have a fun Friday with the former guy, OK?
*Just kidding, put him in Guantanamo until his natural human death.
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And once that doesn’t exist, I’m also giving things a go at the Mastodon (@evanhurst@newsie.social) and at Post!
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