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Happy weekend!
You may have noticed that it is not, in fact, 11:30AM — unless you are in Newfoundland! Are you in Newfoundland? — but it is February 24, which is the fictional day that, 36 years ago, Dale Cooper drove into Twin Peaks to investigate the death of one Laura Palmer.
As such, your presents this week are all Twin Peaks themed!
First up, we’ve got “Diane: The Twin Peaks Tapes of Agent Cooper,” a recording of random audio notes to Diane that did not appear in the series! I have admittedly only listened to 91 seconds of it, but I am sure it’s a good time. Who doesn’t want to start their day with some Kyle Maclachlan spoken word?
Sadly, your next treat will not embed, so you just get a link to the Saturday Night Live Twin Peaks sketch from when Kyle Maclachlan hosted! It’s funny but also I have a really hard time watching it without thinking “Why would they have Victoria Jackson be Audrey Horne instead of Lucy?” the whole time. Victoria Jackson being a terrible person aside, they have the exact same voice. Just a wasted opportunity if you ask me.
I’m not wrong. Also here is Lucy in a promo for the 1-900 number you could call to … get Twin Peaks spoilers, I guess? It cost $2 for the first minute and $1 for each additional minute, three minute minimum which would be insanely expensive for a phone call even today.
Seriously, how was that shit legal? Actually charging people $5 to listen to a voicemail! They had ones that were actually targeted at kids as well, I recall — I had a friend who got in trouble for calling the New Kids on the Block one like 45 times.
Anyway, I hope that you have some damn fine coffee this morning and that the gum you like comes back into style (unless it’s Fruit Stripe, in which case you are shit out of luck).
Have you been struck with a sudden urge to shower us with money and jewels? If so, we are on Substack now so you can just go ahead and click subscribe!
Or if you’d just like to donate just once …
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You can even send us paper checks to:
Wonkette
PO Box 38273
Detroit MI 48238
Talk amongst yourselves!
