Look, either Ron DeSantis is literally stuffing Dinesh D’Souza’s 2,000 Mules up his entire butt, or Florida is a red state.
Yes, it’s gerrymandered as balls, and DeSantis’s district map would make Jim Crow laws jizz themselves.
But unless DeSantis has some kind of secret deal to hide Democratic votes at Mar-a-Lago with Donald Trump’s stolen classified traitor documents — and their feud is just a ruse! — then it’s ridiculous to do this thing every two years where we’re all like “Ooh! What is Florida gonna do!”
It’s going to vote for Republicans. It’s full of angry, racist, bigoted, racist, QAnon, racist, fascist, racist, senile, racist, full-of-shit, racist, white, racist, garbage, racist retirees who improved their states of origin by leaving them.
And also look, gotta be fair here, but Democrats really have lost a lot of ground with Hispanic voters, and it needs to be all hands on deck to figure out how to solve that. Florida’s a lost cause, but it matters in other states.
Here is what happened in Florida last night: All the important results were figured by 9 p.m. ET. There was no suspense. This has increasingly been the case in every election over the last few cycles.
Republicans on the national level didn’t gain anything from Florida’s contributions, or at least they didn’t win them fairly. They drew things, in order to help themselves win/steal Congress. It may not have worked.
But on a statewide level? Shit.
Marco Rubio beat Val Demings by around 17 points. (Click here for most current numbers.)
Ron DeSantis beat Charlie Crist by 20 POINTS.
That’s obscene. All the Florida results are obscene.
But it’s not that obscene if you’re still clinging on to the idea that Florida is a swing state like a gun or a Bible. (Haha, you are a liberal, you don’t cling to things like guns and Bibles, even if you own those and like them. You cling to things like DRUGS and GAY SEX TOYS.)
Florida is a red state.
Florida is a red state, just like Colorado is a blue state.
You know how in the last weeks of the election, there was all this silliness about how Lee Zeldin might win for governor of New York or maybe Joe O’Dea might beat Michael Bennet to be the senator from Colorado? Golly, those would have been some silly results.
Florida is a red state. It’s a terrible place. There are some pretty beaches, but any sensible tourist knows that unless you’re going to Disney, it’s best to stay within a half mile of the coasts at all times, lest you get trapped in a deleted scene from Deliverance.
And let’s be honest — Ron DeSantis’s poopy-pants chubby-cheeked authoritarian schtick really isn’t going to save the state in the long run. What’s he going to do, tell the ever-more-powerful hurricanes to stop doing drag shows? To stop being woke?
Only Florida voters can turn this around for themselves. Otherwise, there’s that Bugs Bunny .gif up there.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!
Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!
