Back in Newt Gingrich’s day they had balloon scoopers that scooped balloons right out of the air, you’d just go like “scoop!” and the balloon would be sitting right there on your balloon spoon and it looked like a little butterscotch, and back in Newt Gingrich’s day the balloons weren’t made by the Chinese, they were made by the Soviets or the Prussians or maybe the Union troops, and back in Newt Gingrich’s day, once you had scooped the balloon up in the balloon scooper, you had to carry it uphill both ways in 10 feet of snow to the place where you take the scooped balloons, and you could trade it in for a certificate for a free ice cream cone at the soda fountain, and back in Newt Gingrich’s day children weren’t disrespectful to their parents, and back in Newt Gingrich’s day if you wanted to discuss your divorce with the wife who had cancer you had to go all the way to the hospital where she was being treated, you couldn’t just text her about it.
Back in Newt Gingrich’s day if you wanted to tell a balloon where to go you had to use a road atlas by RAND MCNALLY.
Meanwhile in reality, the Pentagon has assessed that the balloon may have been 200 feet tall, which is — SCIENCE FUCKING FACT — far too tall for Newt Gingrich’s Balloon Scooper.
Everything is too stupid now.
More Wonkette coverage of BALLOON here.
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