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The Associate Press is apparently branching out into the dark comedy business, and seems poised to give Yr Wonkette a run for its money (all of which is donated by our lovely smart readers) in the field of inspiring HOLLOW MORDANT LAUGHTER. See for example this alleged news/analysis piece about the post-Roe political environment, in which the AP reports on how Sen. Rick Scott (R-Florida) says it’s time for lawmakers to “do everything in our power to meet the needs of struggling women and their families so they can choose life.”
Yes, because if there’s one thing the Republican Party is known for, it’s helping families burdened with the costs of raising a family. Mostly the GOP helps by saying “family” a lot and attacking gay rights, which apparently are a huge burden on American families’ budgets.
The AP’s dark comedy set starts off with this hilarious riff:
Democrats suggest their rivals are eleventh-hour converts who would offer half-measures at best and voters should judge them accordingly.
“It’s pretty cynical to say you want to do it now,” said Rep. Suzan DelBene, D-Wash. “If it’s a priority, it should have always been a priority and actions really speak louder than words.”
Oh, that’s good!
The story continues with the comedy humor. We’ve highlighted some of the funniest bits here!
GOP leaders have generally opposed Biden’s expansion of the child tax credit — saying it would discourage people from workingdespite evidence to the contrary. Congressional Republicans said the Democrats’ paid family leave plan — which would put the U.S. on par with other wealthy nations — could limit choices for families and crush small businesses. In 2017, House Republicans voted to repeal “Obamacare” and replace it with measures that could have made maternity care optional.
Well look, if you want to support struggling women, you certainly wouldn’t give them money, you’d make them prove they’re not lazy. That’s just logic, so they’ll appreciate the value of hard work. If necessary, hard work at two or three minimum wage jobs, which we calculate would make them twice or even three times as appreciative of their opportunities. And if they find some time to actually see the children they’re working so hard to feed, they can teach the babies that mama is tired all the time because she is a striver who will be rich just as soon as her employers get another tax cut.
The AP segues into another hilarious, if edgy, comic bit:
An Associated Press analysis earlier this year found that states with the strictest abortion laws — often led by Republicans — generally provide far less support to parents and children, usually leading to more poverty and worse health outcomes.
We LOVE observational comedy, especially when it’s backed by data.
Then, in the audience-participation part of the routine, the AP sought comment from pro-family, pro-women legislators! And wow, do they ever come through!
In response to AP’s findings, many conservative state lawmakers said women can give their newborns up for adoption and said they would support funding increases for foster-care programs.
Pregnant? Scared? (White?) If you really love your kids, you’ll give them to someone else!
A Scott spokesperson explained the senator would help out struggling parents by
removing work requirements for parents with children under the age of 6 who live in public housing and receive food aid through the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program.
And golly, that ought to take care of the problem! In another sharply satirical observation, the AP notes that Scott’s very own tax the poor plan
says that no federal program or tax laws should reward people for being unmarried and that the federal government should pay all costs for unwed mothers who put their children up for adoption, among other policies.
Families that adopt children are eligible for big tax credits, so that’s clearly a better deal than giving tax credits for slutty unmarried parents to raise their own children and probably do it wrong.
We’re really looking forward to the AP’s next comedy special, which with material like this may offer a nice PG-rated alternative to Wonkette, because we tend to say “fuck” too much, especially when reading about Republican plans to “help” poor families by disintegrating them entirely.
[AP / Photo: Fibonacci Blue, Creative Commons License 2.0]
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