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You’ve probably heard by now that Randy Kaufman, a Republican candidate for the Maricopa County Community College Governing Board, suspended his campaign Tuesday. You’re likely also aware that the reason is somewhat anti-climactic.
Kaufman was arrested on October 4 after the police found him masturbating in his pickup truck in the Rio Salado Lifelong Learning Center’s parking lot in Surprise, Arizona. Here’s a revealing section from the arresting officer’s police report: “(Kaufman) appeared to be looking at a cell phone in one hand. I immediately became alarmed as I saw (he) had his pants down mid-thigh … “ His internal alarm likely elevated once he noticed the location of Kaufman’s other hand.
The story Kaufman’s going with is that he was out shopping for rebar — a steel rod with ridges for your pleasure — and got so stressed he had to stop for a masturbation break. I can relate — not with the public indecency but Home Depot trips are often overwhelming. After a few minutes in building materials and you start to feel the walls closing in on you.
According to 12News, Kaufman is facing a possible felony charge because he was uncomfortably close to Wirtzie’s Preschool and Child Care Center next door. There were pre-schoolers playing outside. It’s not clear he realized this or even noticed. He was possibly so immediately horny he just pulled into the first available parking lot.
We are now presenting the exchange between Kaufman and the arresting officer. The writers of “Saturday Night Live” might find inspiration for more amusing bits.
COP: When you look around here what do you see?
KAUFMAN: The child center but I didn’t notice it until you came up and I got out of my truck. Are you going to put that in a report?
COP: Don’t you see how alarming that is? That there are children nearby, people passing on bikes and In cars where they can look and see what you are doing?
KAUFMAN: I fucked up.
COP: Why are you here in this parking lot, what brings you down here?
KAUFMAN: I live in Buckeye, but I came out here to buy rebar nearby, I was stressed and just pulled into the lot.
COP: Do you know that what you were doing is an offense?
KAUFMAN: Yes I do.
This is far longer than a cop would talk to a Black person without beating them up and arresting them. He’s not even shouting profanities at him at gunpoint like he’s a pregnant Black woman with her kids. They’d probably shoot a masturbating Black man on sight and claim he was holding a lethal weapon.
KAUFMAN: Can I say something off the record?
COP: Ok. You can, go ahead and tell me.
KAUFMAN: Iknow Officer Jim Hill; he works with you guys … and … I’m running for the Governing Board for the colleges.
This is peak white guy. He actually believes anything he tells a cop is “off the record.” It’s like he’s never even watched an episode of “Law & Order.” Name dropping another cop isn’t going to get him off prevent an arrest. Officer Jim Hill is just going to join in all the “this guy jerks off where?” discussion.
He reportedly confessed to watching “interracial” porn, which you’d think they just call “porn” these days. If it’s still a separate category, porn is more regressive than Hallmark Christmas movies.
Kaufman held on for about two weeks before quitting his campaign. He must’ve thought Officer Hill would clean up his mess. It’s too late to remove him from the ballot, but let’s hope the public masturbator doesn’t pull out a victory
Yes, Kaufman is an election-denying Trump supporter who probably believed Drag Queen story hour is child abuse. He posted on Facebook that wanted “our children protected [from] the progressive left.” His apparent hypocrisy is hardly a shock.
[12 News / New York Post]
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